


Drift Compatible

by badlifechoices



Category: Pacific Rim (2013), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Depression, F/M, M/M, Pacific Rim AU, Self Harm, badly written russian accent, roughly following the pacific rim timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 22:42:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1405240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badlifechoices/pseuds/badlifechoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pacific Rim AU Pavel A. Chekov is everything the Jaeger program needs. He is young, he is smart and he is skilled. But when he loses his co-pilot in a fight against the Kaiju he notices that the drift does not only make you stronger. It also makes you easier to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drift Compatible

"Aren't you a bit young t'be here, kiddo?"

"Boy, I think you took the wrong way, this ain't the Elementary school."

The very young-looking teenager, sauntering through the hallways of the Shatterdome, didn't even listen to the various comments thrown into his direction. Instead he simply continued on his way. He had a large, brown duffel bag thrown over his shoulder, and though it would seem like the weight wasn't exactly fit for someone of his age or statue, he didn't even slow down as he climbed down the metal stairs. His pale face was framed with a halo of golden curls and the delicate features displayed a determination that was surprising. The boy's pale lips were pressed together in a thin line of concentration. His greenish-blue eyes seemed to take in everything around him, from the signs on the narrow metal doors to the flickering lights over his head, but he didn't pay a lot of attention to the people surrounding him. Like this, he didn't even notice that almost everybody he passed turned to stare at him as he walked by. There wasn't much that could surprise these people, especially not in times when huge monsters emerged from an interdimensional rip in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, but even then, this boy was different.

Pavel Andrejevich Chekov tried not to look like he was in a hurry, but he should've arrived about an hour ago and now he was desperate to find the room he had been assigned and then get to the Marshall to announce his arrival as he had been told to. He had memorised the floor plan, had stared at it for hours during his flight and he still couldn't find his room. At least it was way more difficult than he had expected. The system the Americans used on their military bases and aircraft carriers was the most difficult one he had encountered so far. Instead of using simple numbers for decks and hallways, they used letters. And the comments of those people he had encountered so far weren't helping either. They only made him feel more alone and lost, unable to ask someone for directions because they all thought he didn't belong here, so he kept his expression as void of emotions as possible.

Glancing at his watch he uttered a curse in his native language, only to bump into someone as soon as he stopped paying attention to what was in front of him. The force of the impact made him lose his balance completely; he dropped his bag and had to hold onto the other person to keep himself from falling. The man had instinctively reached out and pulled the Russian closer, holding him steady with one arm until the younger one was standing on his own feet again. Pavel felt his cheeks heating up as he stopped clinging to the other and hastily stepped back to reach for his bag. "I am wery sorry, ser. I did not pay attention," he mumbled, his words tinted with a heavy Russian accent. But the other only grinned and patted his shoulder in a gesture of camaraderie. "Neither did I. Guess it's more my fault. I should know better than to run around here."

The guy had black, ruffled hair, and eyes that were almost as dark. And he had a bit of a tan, even in the artificial light of the corridor, where the Russian's pale skin seemed almost translucent in comparison. "Hikaru Sulu. You seem lost, maybe I can help you out there." He introduced himself, still smiling and Pavel answered with a nod and a small smile of his own. "Where do you have to go?"

Reaching into his pocket, the Russian pulled out a folded piece of paper. "I vas told to bring my zings to ze room and zen wisit Marshall to tell I am here." And then: "My name is Pavel. Pavel Chekov." Hikaru picked the paper out of his hands and frowned, losing the smile as quickly as it had appeared on his features. He looked up again, eying the teen for a little longer, before he nodded and handed the paper back to its owner. "We're almost there, Pavel. Down the corridor and to the left."

Pavel blinked. The sudden change in behaviour was definitely confusing. But he didn't have the time to think about how he could've upset this man in a matter of mere seconds, instead he muttered a 'Zank you' and threw the bag over his shoulders again. They walked down the corridor in complete silence, only the sound of their heavy boots echoed from the metal walls. Once they reached their destination, the young pilot breathed in relief. Just as he stepped inside the room, though, he was stopped by the other's words. "Two stories up and to the right. You'll find the Marshall's office there." And before he could even thank him again, he was already gone. Weird. Shaking his head, Pavel turned around and entered his room. It was only a tiny bit smaller than the one he had had in the Shatterdome in Vladivostok and he doubted he would've any difficulties adjusting to this one. That is, if he even got the time to adjust. If everything went as planned, he wasn't about to stay here for very long.

And he still had to hurry.

Dropping his bag on the floor, he searched for the rest of his papers and then left the room, throwing the door shut behind him.

He was almost two hours too late, as he finally knocked on the right door, only to be called inside after a few seconds. The Marshall wasn't at all what he expected and he wasn't alone in the large room. With him was the guy he had met earlier, Hikaru, and the expression on the dark haired man's face made Pavel feel like he had just interrupted a heated discussion of some sorts. But instead of paying too much attention to the other, he turned to face the Marshall. He saluted, but the older man just waved and motioned for him to stand comfortable. Feeling Hikaru's gaze on him, he shifted a bit as he waited to be addressed. He was used to the strict rules of his homeland's military- used to be only allowed to speak when he was told to, and it obviously wasn't what his now superior officer had been expected.

"Welcome to America, Mister Chekov. We were waiting for you." The Russian gave a short nod and handed over the papers. "Zank you, ser." He thought about apologising for his late arrival for a little moment but his former trainer had told him again and again that apologising is a sign of weakness and showing weakness was the last thing he wanted to do. "I take full responsebility for ze delay. I hope I am not too late for ze selektion."

None of the other recruits had believed him when he said he was the best and most of them ended up regretting it once they stepped up to challenge him in a fair fight. The teen didn't possess the strength, the height, or the weight his opponents had but he was fast. His movements were gracious and it seemed like he was planning every single step he took. And he was the best. Pavel felt sweat running down his forehead but he ignored it, taking a few steps back. He held the staff loosely; putting no real force behind his swings as he easily dodged the other's attack. It almost looked as if he was dancing. Actually, his father had forced him to take dancing lessons on top of the various fighting classes he had to pass in order to become a Jaeger pilot. And he was grateful. No matter how much he still despised his father, the old man had been right about a lot of things.

The Russian knew every single person in this room was watching him, including the Marshall and this Hikaru guy, and he felt some kind of smug confidence flood through him as he whirled around and sent his opponent to the ground, one foot firmly set on his chest. They still underestimated him and he wasn't stupid enough to go easy on them. It was their fault and he was using their weakness without hesitation like a true fighter should. And yet he never felt anything during the fight. From what they had been told, he was supposed to be in unison with his co-pilot. They were supposed to fit together, to have a natural chemistry. Even though he was obviously proving that he was good, he still felt like he was failing. The expression on the Marshall's face didn't even change as Hikaru picked up the staff and closed the distance between them.

Pavel wiped the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve and stepped back, resting his weight on his left foot, as he waited for the other to attack. But Hikaru didn't. Instead he continued to circle him, calmly, almost relaxed and at the same time alert. The Russian felt as if his defences were stripped away under the other's gaze and a feeling of nervousness overcame him. Instead of waiting any longer he leapt forward, whirling his weapon around and aiming for the other's head. But instead he hit nothing but air, as the man ducked and landed a kick against his legs that almost sent him to the ground. Barely able to catch himself, Pavel stumbled backwards, parrying a series of blows. Before he could even regain his balance, he felt a huff of air against his cheek and saw the other's staff hovering inches above his skin. Eyes widened in surprise and shock he stared at the other man, as Hikaru stepped back, a smile playing around his lips. There was no way this guy was winning against him!

In a swift movement he took the staff in his left hand instead of the right one before he attacked again, this time more careful. He was fighting the feelings of nervousness and anger. He had to stay calm, rational, had to make sure his movements weren't getting sloppy. And this time he caught Hikaru off guard, getting behind him and gently touching his back with his staff to indicate that he would've landed a deadly blow.

From there on the match got even more difficult, it was as if they were matched, not only in speed and agility but also in thought. With most of the other cadets he had been able to predict their next moves but Hikaru surprised him again and again. The fight took longer than any before and in the end it was Pavel who stumbled and fell, the cool wood pressed against his throat, while his own staff was lying uselessly on the ground several meters away. They stayed like this for a moment, neither of them moving a muscle, before Hikaru slowly stepped back and offered him a hand. "I still do not know if I can trust you, kid. But it seems like you're better than I thought." The man grinned and helped him up. Pavel inwardly shook his head, still a bit shocked that he had actually lost. But then he returned the grin. Another moment passed and they still held each other's hand. Pleasant warmth spread from their touching hands through his whole body and Pavel didn't even let go, as the Marshall told them to be ready by 0700 hours the next day for their first drift together.

The others left and they were still standing there, hand in hand, gazing into each other's eyes until Hikaru cleared his throat and let go, only to touch his shoulder instead. "Now why don't we get something to eat? I wouldn't want my new co-pilot to starve to death before we even get the chance to hunt Kaiju together."

* * *

-2 Years later-

* * *

Pavel didn't really expect anybody to remember his birthday. The only real friends he had were Nyota and Scotty, a couple of Jaeger pilots and the best ones he had ever personally met and they were on their way to China to fight against an unknown and unnamed Kaiju. But he was more than a little sad that his own co-pilot and boyfriend Hikaru hadn't even said a word. They hadn't even seen each other the whole day; Pavel had been down in the labs, listening to Mister Gottlieb's newest theory about the frequency of the Kaiju attacks, and Hikaru had been somewhere doing whatever he was doing.

He sighed. Why was he even sad about the whole thing? He should be used to it already. His father had forgotten about his birthdays ever since his mother had died back in 2009. And the last two years had been an exception. His lips curled into a smile, as he remembered the birthday party his friends had thrown for him last year, surprising him completely not only with a huge cake, but also with a whole bunch of presents - mostly books and more books. Hikaru had actually bought him an IPod with all his favourite music so he wouldn't have to complain about the man talking to his plants every evening while Pavel was trying to study. But the best present had been the kiss Hikaru had given him after the other two had returned to their rooms: a soft, gentle, and completely platonic kiss, but it was still a kiss. They had gotten together only a few months later, after fighting a Kaiju that had almost destroyed Hawaii. And it was the best time in Pavel's life. They would cuddle, they would kiss, and they would fight. They were heroes and lovers. They had never had sex though because Hikaru kept telling him that he was too young and that he couldn't do it with someone who wasn't even legal.

Opening the door to his room, he almost dropped the book he held in his hands, quirking his eyebrows in surprise as he saw Hikaru sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in the most elegant outfit he had ever seen him in. "Happy Birthday Pasha." The man grinned, obviously amused by his boyfriend's surprise and stood up. "You should hurry up and get dressed if you don't want to go like this." There was nothing wrong with the clothes he was wearing, he wanted to say, but the words got caught in his throat as the other took his hand and pulled him in for a long, passionate kiss. Pavel melted against his lover, wrapping his arms around the other's neck and kissing him back with the same hunger. Their lips moved in the same rhythm as their bodies rubed against each other, as Hikaru's hands slowly slid from his waist to his back and under the dark shirt, caressing the bare skin with his fingertips. Sharp teeth nipped at his bottom lip, and a daring tongue used the moment of surprise to slide between his slightly parted lips and into his mouth, teasing his own tongue into a passionate dance.

"Vhat... vhat is zis?" Pavel murmured huskily, as they broke apart for air and he could feel the smirk forming on the other's lips. "Birthday present?" Hikaru's eyes were ven darker than usually, lust and arousal clouding the orbs, as he leant down to lick over Pavel's exposed neck. "I actually wanted to take you out for dinner... but now I think we could stay here." And with that he grabbed his back and lifted him. With a startled yelp, he wrapped his legs around his boyfriend, as the man simply carried him over to the back, throwing him onto the mattress. "You haff to close ze door..." The grin on the Russian's lips was wide enough to almost reach his ears as he watched the other jump to his feet and rush over to close the door. And he had thought the other had forgotten all about his birthday...

Hikaru approached him, slowly this time, taking his time to savour the sight before he joined him on the bed and crawled on top of him. His fingers were running over his chest, brushing over the still-clothed nipples, as he pressed another kiss to his Pasha's lips. They both wanted it. There was nothing to hold them back now, nothing to make them stop this, nothing but... The noise of the sirens cut through the silence filled with heavy breathing and startled the two pilots. Following Hikaru's example he hastily sat up, fingers still trembling, as he practically rolled out of the bed. "Fuck it." The young Russian could hear the disappointment in the other's voice, as he leant down to press a quick kiss to his lips. "We'll continue this after we're back, kay?" Pavel only nodded, his face red like a tomato, as he glanced down at the visible bulge in his pants. Wonderful. He tried to will his erection down, as they both changed into their skin tight dark clothes without exchanging another word. No matter how bad the timing was, if there was something coming through the breach, there was not a second to waste.

As they ran to the Drivesuit room, Pavel had successfully pushed aside most of the thoughts about what exactly Hikaru and he had been up to only a few minutes ago. And he was grateful that the whole haste wasn't exactly a turn-on. At least it saved him a lot of embarrassment. The technicians who helped him into his Drivesuit seemed to notice something anyway, but they were all trained professionals so he didn't get anything but a friendly wink.

So much had changed during the last two years. The women and men respected him now: nobody was calling him a baby or too young anymore, and Hikaru and he were famous for their good work. They had even been called the best Jaeger pilots ever, together with Spock and James T. Kirk - the pair that operated the famous Mark-4 Jaeger T'hy'la. And yet he still felt the same nervousness and anticipation creep up his spine as he entered the Conn-Pod. He had never been afraid of a mission, only respectful and aware that it could be his last one. But this time it was different. Something was different, and he felt a cold wave of fear rush through his body as he was connected to the operating system. He tried to push the feeling aside. He needed to have his head clear of everything if he wanted the drift to be successful and fast. They never had anything to say to each other before the drift, since there just weren't any words that described what followed. They entered each other's heads, each other's thoughts; they became one, truly and fully.

Closing his eyes, he leant back and waited for the usual dizziness, the rush of the adrenaline through his veins, and the feeling of being Pavel and not being Pavel at the same time. There were no more memories they could exchange, everything their minds showed each other was already known, had already been seen, and then quickly returned to being conscious. The Jaeger's head was dropped and Pavel immediately felt the change, it was merely an itch. What followed was the usual drill. Raising one leg, raising the other leg, opening both hands and then smashing the fists together in a gesture that displayed their eagerness to fight whatever got in their way. Or the other way around.

Their Jaeger was dropped about five hundred metres away from the shore and the moment they touched the ground, they began to walk. It was straining, his muscles were complaining about the strength the mere act of moving the giant colossus demanded, but it was something he had learnt to tune out very easily. "It's a Category III Kaiju. Name is Tentalus. Lucky Nightshade, get it away from the coast. We can't risk losing the city!" They answered in unison, uttering a 'Yes Sir!' before they continued on their way. The deeper the water got, the harder it was to move the Jaeger, but both of them were too focused on their screens to even notice it.

"Monsters like zat are reeson vhy I do not sleep at night..." Pavel muttered, as the sensors indicated something right in front of them. It moved right under the surface of the water and it was rapidly getting closer. They were about a kilometre from the coast away now and their Jaeger was almost completely underwater, with only the shoulders and the head still above the waves. Moving their feet ever so slightly, they stabilised their stance and not a second too early, as something burst out of the water right in front of them. A long slender body, adorned with the usual armour and a long row of spikes and it ended in a set of long tentacles. Pavel hated things with tentacles. As a kid he had always been afraid of octopods, a fear his father had luckily never found out about or he would've probably forced him to swim with one, only to get rid of it. But now was neither the time nor the place for fears or memories, not while they had to focus on killing that beast and while Hikaru was forced to live through every thought of his as well.

The Kaiju uttered a roar that resonated through the metal of their Jaeger and before they were even able to throw the first punch, the beast wrapped its tentacles around their arms, tightening, until they could barely move. They shared a short glance before the smile returned to Hikaru's face. They had trained this, not with something like that but what was the difference between claws and tentacles? They twisted the right arm, far enough to grab the tentacle, and pulled as forceful as possible. The long silver blade slid out of the place right above the Jaeger's wrist. Another set of tentacles were wrapped around their chest and their head, but it was too late. The blade cut almost easily through the Kaiju's flesh, freeing their right arm. Now it was only a matter of... They were pushed backwards, the tentacles all retreating for a moment, as the Kaiju screamed its pain into the world. It was a shrill, high-pitched sound that left them deaf for a little moment, ringing in their ears.

"Now!" Pavel wasn't quite sure whether it was him or Hikaru who had yelled but they leapt forward, one hand grabbing the beast's throat and the other raised to slay it with their trusted sword. The Kaiju was more agile then they thought. It easily twisted its head in their grip, biting down on their arm and tearing at the metal. Pain shot through their system. Pavel let out a scream, Hikaru bit his teeth together. They tried to free their arm, by letting go of the beast and at the same time cutting off another tentacle. The arm was damaged, too damaged to move it. Now they had only the right hand left to fight. They jumped the Kaiju. Their Jaeger's weight pressed it underwater and the amounts of sand in the water around them made it impossible to see what they were aiming for, but they continued to swing the arm with the blade.

And then suddenly: Water. They both screamed in unison, as something pierced the metal of the Jaeger's head. They brought the arm forth, trying to protect themselves and they hit something. The blade was stuck, probably between the ribs or unable to cut through the spine. The Kaiju's struggling sent vibration after vibration through their Jaeger. But they had not yet won. The beast's teeth were still continuing on their fatal way to the Conn-Pod. "Lucky Nightshade! You have to get away! Retreat!" But that was easier said than done. The Kaiju seemed to hold onto the Jaeger with all his might, trying to take them with it into its death. Fear. Fear and panic flooded their systems, both of them struck at the same time, as the Jaeger's shell was ripped open. Suddenly they were surrounded by water. Nothing but water. The lights turned red, and there was a shrill sound of sirens and warnings in their ear. They struggled with all their might, trying to retract the blade and get away from the dying beast.

But then it happened. The tip of one of the thinner tentacles slid through the crack in the Jaeger's head, feeling for whatever living beings might be inside. Pavel screamed in panic and pain as the thing reached Hikaru, wrapping around his body and tearing him away from the controls. They were still connected. He could feel the pain with the same intensity as Hikaru did. Save yourself Pasha. He could hear it in his thoughts, he could see it in Hikaru's eyes and in the way he gestured for him to get to the escape hatch and get away. But he couldn't move. It was as if he was frozen in his place enduring the same pain, the panic, the knowledge that he would die right now.

And then his body finally obeyed his commands. With trembling fingers, he shut off the connection. His mind was still clouded with pain but he could think now, he could think of a way to save his beloved and himself. His suit wasn't exactly designed for swimming but he made it to the split. Pavel grabbed one of the loose splinters, about the length of his arm and turned around. He felt tears sting in his eyes as he saw that Hikaru's were closed, his chest no longer moving. No. NO. He couldn't be dead! He was just unconscious, only unconscious! He mobilised his last reserves, swimming against the force of the whirling waters, not even realising that he was running short of oxygen.

Hikaru! The tentacle was no longer moving. Maybe, maybe he was lucky enough and the Kaiju was finally dead! He reached his co-pilot, grabbed his arm, and shoved the splinter into the lifeless tentacle, trying to cut through whatever kind of texture it was.

His arms hurt.

He felt dizzy.

Every breath was a torture.

His lungs were burning.

Pavel could feel his hands were no longer able to hold the splinter...

And then he was through!

With his last strength he grabbed Hikaru's arm and swam, through the hole in the Jaeger's head and up to where he was sure had to be the surface. He couldn't see a thing for the water was stained with Kaiju blood. But he saw that it was getting brighter. He saw that he was getting closer...

His head burst through the water's surface and he immediately pulled off the helmet, filling his lungs with air. But there was no relief. He held Hikaru's body close to his own, taking off his helmet and kissing his lips in an attempt to feel if he was still there... They were cold.

No.

He felt hot tears run down his cheeks, as he continued to cling to the other's body, trying his best to keep moving his legs so he wouldn't sink and drown after all, but it was useless. The last bit of strength was leaving his body.

The last thing he heard was the sound of helicopters above him, as the darkness pulled him under its wing again.

_Hikaru..._

 

* * *

 

 

-3 Years later-

"Mister Chekov?" The gentle voice, as well as the soft touch on his shoulder jolted him awake. "Mister Chekov, I am really sorry but you will have to go now." The Russian only nodded and the nurse smiled at him, her usual smile that was supposed to tell him that she knew what he was going through. But he didn't care for other people's sympathy. He wasn't a broken doll that had to be handled with care... He glanced at his watch and sighed. Of course he had to go; the time for visitors had ended about an hour ago. The nurses only let him stay longer because they felt sorry for him, because he was here every day. Because he was always just sitting here next to this bed with the white sheets, in this room with the white walls and the white shades in front of the window. Even the sky was white or rather grey today. Rain was falling softly and was hitting the window with a soothing and rhythmic sound. But he didn't care. He didn't care about many things these days.

His gaze wandered to the person in the bed, the tan long lost, the strong muscles melted away with the time he had spent here lifeless, his hair even messier than usual and with the first signs of grey around his temples. His eyes were closed - his wonderful, beautiful, dark eyes. Pavel reached out and gently took one of the other's hands in his own, stroking the skin with a feathery touch as if he was afraid that it would break. And he was. "I vill come back tomorrow." He whispered, as he did always, every day, and then he gently placed the hand back on the sheets. He moved around the bed to press a soft kiss to the man's forehead. "I vill be here Hekahru. Shall I bring you somezeng? Anozer flower?" It was the only thing that wasn't white in this room. The sheer amount of flowers was breathtaking. But he had had three years to bring them all here, each one with a small pot and an instruction for the nurses how to properly take care of them. And they did. It had surprised the Russian a little bit at first, that they actually agreed with the whole plan, but their status as heroes was probably helping there. The people still had respect for him, for them. They always said they would love to help him if it was something they could do to repay what they had given to protect them from the Kaiju.

Pavel left the building, shoulders slumped and gaze focused on the pavement under his shoes, as he headed into the direction of his home. Yes, his home. He was no longer living in the Shatterdome, was no longer part of the military, and was no longer a Jaeger pilot: a hero. He had left as soon as he had been able to sign the forms himself, leaving everything behind in order to deal with his memories and his broken heart. And he was broken. He hadn't spoken a word with anybody from the program since then. They had transferred Hikaru to a public hospital because they didn't want to take care of him in their base and thus they had also gotten rid of him. They were still paying for Hikaru's stay at the hospital; they were still paying his rent and bills. And they had probably instructed the nurses to look out if he was still alive. But they had abandoned him just as everybody else had. And he didn't even mind.

He was cold. The rain drenched him within minutes, as he had forgotten his coat in the small run-down apartment he was living in. He didn't care. Pavel made his way through the small and dark alleyways, knowing that people stared at him. He heard the faint echo of footsteps behind him, multiple footsteps and he smiled. It was the only thing that made him feel alive these days. He had tried drinking, taking drugs, hurting himself. But nothing had ever worked the way this did. So he took these streets on purpose, knowing that his small stature and his beautiful and pale face attracted enough attention. And there always people who were stupid enough to fall for him.

"Hey, sweetheart!" He heard one of them call out and quickened his pace pretending to run away, only to guide them into another alley he knew was a dead-end. "Got ya, baby." A rough voice, dark and ugly. They laughed. The Russian didn't turn around until he felt a big hand on his shoulder, way too close to his neck.

Then he whirled around and punched the guy. He heard and felt the man's nose break and he stumbled backwards, staring at him in shock and anger. Pavel only stood there and smiled. His hand didn't even hurt. He had fought much stronger and bigger opponents in his days as a pilot. The other guys moved to attack him and he felt the adrenaline rush through his veins, felt how his heart began to beat faster, felt that he was _alive_. He kicked the next guy, right into his stomach and he sunk to the ground, obviously about to puke. The first guy was back, trying to grab his neck, while his friend pulled out a knife. Pavel only laughed. A cold, empty laugh and grabbed the knife. It cut through his hand smoothly, blood trickling down his wrist and the guy let go, staring at him in shock before turning around and running away. The first guy hit the back of his neck, sending a jolt through Pavel's body but he wasn't precise enough to do any real damage. The Russian was about to turn around and take him out, as two more figures appeared in the alley. Good for him. He wasn't done yet...

But then there was another voice, equally dark but a lot softer and gentler, though it was cold and tinted with disgust. "Three against one. Has your mama not taught you that this isn't really gentlemanly?" Pavel squinted to see who the new guy was, but he couldn't see much through the shadow and the falling rain. The man with the broken nose used the chance and grabbed his arm, yanking him backwards and pressing a gun against his temple. The ex-pilot huffed and ducked, fast enough to surprise the other and without even looking he kicked the gun out of his hand. "You vant somezeng from me?" He hissed in a twisted and weird way enjoying the expression of pure fear on the bastard's face. His hand connected with the other's throat, leaving him choking and gasping for air, as he knelt down to pick up the weapon.

He pocketed the gun and turned around to look out for the other two guys, only to see one of them running away in panic and the other one crouched on the floor, holding his head in pain. "I did not need your help." Pavel kept his voice void of every emotion, as he moved towards the exit of the alley, only to be stopped by someone else. The man was taller than he was, bigger, obviously older and he smelled like disinfectants. "Of course you don't, kiddo, you're a Jaeger pilot." Pavel arched his eyebrows and tried to read something in the other's face but he couldn't even see it properly in the twilight that was surrounding them. "And how vould you know zat?" He was sure to see something like a smile play around the other's lips but only for a second before it was gone again. "Saw you in the news. You and your partner. You were the pilots of the Nightshade, right?"

Pavel winced. Hearing those words hurt a lot more than they should after three years of being out. He had no partner anymore and the Jaeger was lying somewhere on the ground of the ocean in an eternal embrace with a rotting Kaiju. "You forgot ze Lucky." He mumbled, taking a step back, as he tried to keep his voice from shaking. He sounded bitter, but not as bitter as he felt.

"Huh?"

"She vas called Lucky Nightshade." He shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to warm up a little bit. He suddenly felt so much more vulnerable than only minutes ago. This man knew him, he knew what he had been and he probably even knew what happened. And he didn't even sound like most people who did. He had no pity in his voice; he wasn't even trying to convince him that he was a hero. "I'm sorry." The Russian shrugged again. "Is alright. She vas not lucky in ze end." And he didn't want to talk about it. He had never talked, aside from this one time he had to for his report but then he had simply shut up about the matter. But it was always present in his thoughts, not a single night passed without nightmares, not a single day he didn't think about what he could've done better.

They stood there for a little moment in silence, before the man reached out and took his hand. The younger man winced again; about to pull his hand away, as he felt gentle fingers run over the edges of the fresh cut. "I'm a doctor, kid. I only want to make sure this won't get infected." And Pavel let him, he let the man pull him out of the dark alley and under one of the small roofs that covered the stairs of the abandoned house. He let him disinfect the wound, and wrap a bandage around it. He almost didn't feel the sting. "Hurt anywhere else?" He shook his head and the other let go of his hand. "Good."

Another short moment of silence and the Russian was about to just go as the man spoke again. "How about a drink? You look like you need it, kiddo. I'll even invite you." He hesitated. It sounded good, tempting since alcohol was still a good way to drown everything for a little while, now that the wonderful feeling of adrenaline and life was slowly disappearing again, leaving behind the same emptiness as before. "Okay." The man seemed to think about something, tilting his head and eying the younger one for a moment, before he shrugged off his coat and threw it around the 'curly haired kid's' shoulders. "Don't want you catching a cold or worse," he simply said before walking away, obviously expecting the other to follow him. The kind gesture surprised Pavel and he instinctively breathed in the other's scent. He smelled coffee, the same disinfectants he had noticed earlier and something else, something he couldn't pinpoint but it was definitely a pleasant scent. Soothing somehow.

He hurried to follow the older man, wordlessly falling into step with him until they had left this darker part of the town and headed towards a small bar. It wasn't too far away from his place and he had already been here, but he was quite certain he had never met this man before. Or maybe he had and he had simply been too drunk to remember it. The doctor held the door open for him and he stepped inside, the sudden warmth causing him to shiver. But it felt good. He followed the other to the counter and sat down next to him, the coat still resting on his shoulders. "Your name." It wasn't really a question; he was simply stating that the other hadn't even told him who exactly he was. "McCoy. Leonard McCoy." He quirked an eyebrow and Pavel almost smiled. It looked impressive and reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite remember who it was. "Call me whatever you want, as long as it isn't 'Bones'." He didn't ask, simply repeated the name to feel the way it fell off his lips. "Leonard." _Doctor Leonard McCoy_. Somehow he felt like he had heard the name before but it could also be just an illusion, created by his paranoia.

He downed the drink the other offered him. And the next one. And the next one.

They didn't talk much, they only drank, both lost somewhere in their own thoughts and Pavel couldn't quite deny that it felt good. He felt weirdly comfortable around this man. But he would feel comfortable around everyone with this amount of alcohol in his blood, he told himself and reached out for the next glass. Only that his hand was grabbed before he could even touch it. He looked up only to lose himself in the man's eyes for a moment. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else but he felt like he was falling and before he knew it he was in the other's arms. Strong, warm and gentle arms, holding him close. He felt the hot breath on his skin. He smelled the alcohol. And he closed his eyes. Leonard pulled him even closer, until they were pressed flush together and Pavel's lips brushing over his. It sent another shiver down his back, a pleasant one this time and he leant in, gently kissing this stranger, like he had spent years of his life loving him. His hands ran over the other's shoulders before he wrapped his arms around him and pressed against him. Heat pulsed through his body as the other licked over his lips, demanding to be let in.

Leonard tasted like alcohol, like alcohol and something entirely unknown and it tasted good. It wasn't a graceful dance of tongues: it was a battle and the big hands were running over his back, reducing him to a quivering mess. He was unable to think. There was nothing left inside his mind as long as the kiss lasted but once they broke it, everything came back. He gasped and backed off, breaking out of the gentle embrace and falling back onto his own stool. "No!" His voice was trembling and higher pitched than usually. "I- I can not..." He clenched his fists, unsure whether to listen to his conscious or his body that told him to continue what they had just began.

The doctor watched him for a moment and Pavel could see neither disappointment nor anger in his eyes and it surprised him. There was only curiosity and want, a want that made Goosebumps appear on his arms. "What's wrong, darlin'?" He only shook his head. Thinking was still a bit difficult, considering what the other's voice alone did to him, but he wouldn't give in. He loved Hikaru. And only Hikaru. And he would wait for him to wake up again, even if it took decades. "Got a boyfriend or something?" The question caught him completely off guard and his eyes went wide but then he shook his head. "No. Is just... I..." Why did he lie? If he loved Hikaru, why did he not tell this man that he _did_ have a boyfriend waiting for him? "Is just not best time... after eweryzeng..." He suddenly felt a lot more sober than before and practically jumped to his feet. "I haff to go. Zank you for eweryzeng..." But the man grabbed his wrist to keep him from running away.

Pavel's instincts immediately told him to fight back, panic rising inside his chest just from being held back like this but nothing happened. He only searched around in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, scribbling down his number. Then he let go of his wrist again, a small smile on his lips. "Call me. No matter what. I won't try anything you don't want, promise."

The Russian nodded and grabbed the paper. He didn't even manage to force a smile onto his lips; neither did he look back as he stumbled out of the bar. But he held the paper pressed close to his chest and he was still wearing the other's too big coat.

 

* * *

 

 

_Long tentacles searching their way through the darkness._

_A blind monster trying to find him._

_They wrapped around him._

_They suffocated him._

_He couldn't breathe._

_He felt his bones crush under the pressure._

_He felt the cold of the water around him._

_He felt the loneliness._

_He felt lost._

_And everything was dark._

He awoke with a start, his forehead sweaty and his whole body trembling. It was always the same dream that haunted him in the night, always the same thing that came to finish the job and kill him. Sometimes there was Hikaru's voice, telling him that it was his fault, that he had been the one to screw everything up. And Pavel believed it. In the beginning he had fought against it, he had replied that it hadn't been his fault, that he had saved his life. But with every night he lost his certainty, with every night he believed the words a little more. Until he was finally giving in, until he was blaming himself for everything that had happened. And it was his fault. He should've reacted faster; he should've broken the connection right away and gotten Hikaru and himself out of there before the other was injured. Maybe it had even been his stupid fear that made them hesitate. If they had attacked earlier and with another tactic, they might've won.

Pavel sighed and blinked, the ceiling was dirty. There were huge stains, obviously from some unknown liquid that had been spilled in the room above this one. The whole apartment looked like this: small, dirty, and run down, but he had never thought about moving. It was the cheapest one he had gotten this close to the hospital. And he usually wasn't spending his days here anyway. He was either at the hospital or somewhere in the city, looking for trouble.

He turned around and buried his face in the coat that had shared his bed this night. It still smelled like the doctor a little bit, though he had no idea why the scent was so soothing to him. Without looking up, he reached for the pack of cigarettes on his nightstand. He knew it was unhealthy. He knew his father would kill him if he knew about it. But his father was probably still not over the shock that his son was no longer a Jaeger pilot.

The Russian lit the cigarette and took a drag. Even those things didn't have that much of an effect anymore. They tasted like shit but they calmed him.

Pavel didn't go to the hospital that day, instead he simply laid there, not feeling particularly hungry or in any way motivated to get up. He turned the small piece of paper in his hands, staring at the numbers that had been scribbled down in haste. "Leonard." He didn't understand why he felt like calling the man, not to make out, but simply to sit with him in silence. Maybe he was just getting lonely after three years of seeing nobody and talking to nobody but the nurses at the hospital and his boyfriend who probably didn't even hear him. At least he didn't start talking to himself..

He was about to light himself another cig as he heard the doorbell. For a moment he considered just ignoring it, since it was probably just one of the neighbours who had lost their own key or was too drunk to find their keyhole. Yeah, he lived in this kind of neighbourhood where the people were getting drunk before 3pm. The doorbell was rung again and he rolled out of the bed, hastily throwing over one of his way-too-big shirts and slipping on his jeans. He opened the door, with a scowl on his face, ready to send whoever it was standing there, away without as much as a second thought.

But it wasn't one of the neighbours. Neither some annoying salesman. It was Marshall Christopher Pike.

"Mister Chekov." The man eyed him for a moment, obviously not pleased at all by what he saw but Pavel couldn't bring himself to care about the other's opinion. "How can I help you, ser?" How can the crippled soldier help their Master? Have you come to grant me your pity? The man obviously didn't intend to leave without having talked and so Pavel stepped aside, letting the other inside. A faint feeling of shame crept up in his chest, as he led Pike into the kitchen. He had only one chair and nothing to offer the other, neither to drink nor to eat. But the other was obviously not expecting anything from him anyway. Not after he had seen his condition and the place he was living in. The Marshall sat down and kept watching him, as he leant against the kitchen table.

"You look like shit, Pavel." It was a fitting description of how he felt right now. Pavel thought and shrugged, running a hand through his messy hair. He needed a shower, he probably smelled like sweat and alcohol. The man sighed and Pavel wasn't sure what to make of the look on his face. Pike had always been kind to him, more like a father than a superior officer and he had been the only one who tried to talk him out of leaving three years ago. Even now, his expression was soft, almost sad but at the same time serious. He wasn't here to check on him, he wanted something.

And it was obviously urgent. He didn't even wait for the Russian's answer to his remark. "Have you seen the news lately? They're cutting our funding. The Jaeger program is shut down." Pavel nodded. He had neither a TV nor a radio in his small apartment but it had been all over the news the last months and on the big screens of the underground stations. They had began cutting the funds and building the Anti-Kaiju-Wall only a few months after their incident with Tentalus but they had only announced the complete shutdown of the program a few months ago. Because the governments claimed the human would be safe behind that wall.

At then this Kaiju, Mutavore, had broken through the wall. Pavel hadn't paid much attention to what was going on after the event. He had figured they would find a solution, talk their way out of the situation and something would happen. It didn't concern him.

"I need you back."

He looked up in surprise. "Vhy?"

"We're going to attack the Breach. To shut it down. We don't have many Jaegers left and even less pilots. We need you because you are the best."

The Russian shook his head, shoving his hands into his pockets and instead of looking at the other he stared at his bare feet. "I am out. I do not vant to haff anyzeng to do viz your var."

"MY war? It's the Kaiju's war. And we need you. The world needs you. Hikaru needs you! Don't you think this city is a bit too close to the sea? It'll be next and if that happens, they will only evacuate those who aren't a _nuisance._ You come with us to Hong Kong and I'll make sure he's transferred too. We have the best medical stuff of the country and we're best suited to take care of him. You do want him to wake up again, don't you?"

The younger man felt like screaming, he wanted to yell at the man to leave him in peace, to leave Hikaru out of this but Pike was right. And he didn't want to blame the other for what had happened. He gulped, hesitating slightly, before he whispered: "I haff no co-pilot. I cannot drift viz anybody but Hekahru." He couldn't and he wouldn't. He had sworn it to himself. He didn't think he would be able to trust someone else like this again, not completely, and the drift demanded complete trust. And he wouldn't let anyone get so close to him again, not after what had happened to Hikaru. Everyone he let into his life, died. Everyone he loved was leaving him in the end. His mother had left him, his father had sent him away, Nyota and Montgomery hadn't even tried to contact him after he had left and Hikaru... Hikaru was lying in this hospital, more dead than sleeping. How was he supposed to go through this again?

"I won't force you, Pavel. I only want you to try." He heard the unspoken ' _We will find someone_ ' in the other's voice and it scared him. He wanted to ask for time to think about this, but there was no time and he didn't need it, he had already decided. You want revenge don't you? You want them to pay for what they have done to Hikaru. This is the only chance you get to make them suffer.

"Giwe me tventy meenutes."

He didn't have any personal things in his apartment; the only treasures he had taken with him as he left, were his books and the few photographs he had taken from Hikaru's room.

This time he didn't take them. He left them in a box on his bed without even throwing a last glance at them before he left. Throwing the duffel bag over his shoulder, he left his apartment, not bothering to lock up once he had thrown the door shut behind him. He would take new photos, if Hikaru ever woke up again and if he survived the assault on the Breach Pike was planning. New photos of them together in a world without the Kaiju and the constant fear of dying. His fingers curled around the piece of paper in his pocket and he almost felt sad because he would probably never see Leonard again. He didn't know why the thought clung to his conscious and why he was even considering calling the man but he wouldn't know what to tell him. Should he tell him that he was going away, to Hong Kong, to fight again and that he would never come back? He settled with doing nothing of the sort, instead he followed the Marshall to the Helicopter and sunk back in his seat, closing his eyes in an attempt to relax a bit.

It was a weird feeling to go back. Not that he had been in Hong Kong more than a few times, but it was weird to go back to being one of 'them'. Even if he wasn't actually going to fight because there wasn't possibly anyone who was fit to be his new partner.

They didn't talk during the flight, Pike only said a few things about their plan, but nothing specific, and Pavel answered with short nods to indicate that he understood what the older man explained him. "I want you to see the doctor once we're back. Get those treated." He gestured towards the bruises and small cuts on his face and the bandage that was still wrapped around his left hand. The Russian didn't complain.

The Shatterdome in Hong Kong wasn't as impressive as the one in Vladivostok or 'The Icebox' where they had been stationed most of the time but it was still a familiar sight and somehow he felt a bit less empty. Piloting a Jaeger had once been everything for him: His goal, his purpose, the one thing he was good at and he loved doing. Even the slight chance to return to this life was like cool balsam to the burning wounds inside of him. He remembered how amazing it felt to move the Jaeger, how the metal giant followed their every move with a precision that seemed impossible for something that big and he felt like he almost missed it. His own mind betrayed him, asking why he shouldn't be able to do it again...

They jumped out of the hovering helicopter and he remembered the first day in the Shatterdome in Alaska, how heavy the back on his shoulder had been how the nervousness had overcome him. Now the bag on his shoulders seemed a log lighter but he was still overwhelmed by a feeling of anxiety. He still carried the same expression as five years ago, his features blank. The building looked worse than he remembered, rusted doors, small and crammed. Some of the lights over his head were flickering, as he followed the signs to the small medical department.

He didn't recognise anyone and yet everybody he passed greeted him, either with a wide smile or a nod. And they all stared at him, almost in awe. It was as if he had become famous over the three years that he had been gone, like he was some kind of a legend here. He had only ever heard of two pilots that were this famous and both of them were supposed to be here as well. But he had never thought someone would even remember him or the Lucky Nightshade.

The young man stepped into the wide room, adorned with a few beds and filled with the sounds of peeping instruments, determined to get this over with as soon as possible. He didn't know whether to call out for someone or to just wait, as he heard a very familiar voice right next to his ear. "It's good to see you again, Pavel. Didn't think it would be this soon, though." He looked up and was met with a friendly smile on a very handsome face and a warm hand that rested on his shoulder.

"Leonard?"

He frowned, a dozen different thoughts crossing his mind at the same time. Judging from his clothes, the man was obviously working here and Pavel cursed himself not to have asked what kind of doctor the other was. He had definitely not expected to see him here of all places. And at the same time he felt betrayed somehow.

"Did Pike tell you to go and look for me?" He asked his voice cold and he took a step forward, away from the comfortable warmth. And he had almost believed to have met someone who seemed... nice. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the other questioningly, waiting for a reaction. "Kid. I don't go around and flirt with people because my boss tells me to." He heard the annoyance in Leonard's voice and the smile disappeared from his lips. "I talked to you because I saw you kick those guys' asses and I thought you were cute. I only recognised you once you stood right in front of me. And now get your sweet little ass on that bed so I can do my job and get you some ointment for your bruises."

Something in the way the other didn't even apologise for making Pavel believe that he had only tried to convince him to go back or whatever, forced a small smile onto the Russian's lips. He obeyed instantly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

The man's hands were calloused but soft, gentle and he could touch his wounds all he wanted, it didn't hurt. Closing his eyes, he felt for the first time in a while, completely relaxed, almost leaning into the touch without noticing it. He shuddered, as the gentle fingers brushed over his collarbone and then carefully bandaged both his hands. He doctor's voice was deeper than before and he cleared his throat, before he ordered him to take off the shirt. The bruises on his upper body were older and Leonard began to carefully feel his ribs, making sure he didn't break one. The feeling made him lightheaded; shivers of pleasure running down his spine, but he ignored them. And McCoy didn't mention anything either.

Opening his eyes he grabbed his shirt, almost feeling a bit of regret, as he put it on again and returned to standing on his own two feet again. Neither of them said a word for a while and Pavel was doing his best not to look at the other, unable to say what exactly he was feeling in his presence. "You gotta go. You should go and get some rest. I don't think Pike will spare you any of the usual drill tomorrow." Leonard finally said, stepping back. He looked like he was trying to figure something out and then he smiled again. "You can come look for me anytime you want... I'm probably the only one in this hole who's got some good booze we can share."

Pavel left the room feeling like he was betraying not only Hikaru but himself, and at the same time he didn't even know if he cared.

 

* * *

 

The young pilot didn't sleep this night. He didn't even try, knowing that it would be of no use. Instead he followed the way his feet lead him. The training rooms were empty, nobody else was around at this time of the day but he didn't need help with the equipment. Pavel felt like he was in a trance; everything he touched, every move was so familiar, done a thousand times and yet it was like it had been a lifetime ago that he had last challenged the computer. It was as always nothing like the real thing, the drift with the computer: simply a test to see if he was calm enough to go through the connection without his feelings and thoughts getting in the way. He remembered the warmth Hikaru had always brought into the drift, just like a gentle embrace. And still the Jaeger simulator felt like the best way to find out if he was even physically capable of piloting.

One drop. One kill. It wasn't easy. Not as easy as it should've been. He had held the records back in the Academy but this time he had struggled.

His muscles ached and he was drenched in sweat. Every step seemed like torture as he left for the showers, the towel wrapped around his neck. The hot water was burning his skin, but at the same time it felt like the best thing in the world, relaxing his whole body and leaving him more tired and exhausted than before. He still didn't feel good, there were too many things going on inside his head and he couldn't just stop thinking like he had usually done it before. And it scared him. Hikaru was no longer topic no 1 in his mind. Now there was the whole thing about him piloting a Jaeger again and a certain Doctor was there too, smiling at him with those warm, intense eyes. He shook his head and turned off the water. Drying himself, he walked over to the sinks.

His reflection was nothing like the boy he had been when he first showed up here. The man in the mirror seemed too old. He still had the same fluffy hair, now dark from the water but usually golden with a hint of copper in the sunshine. His eyes were still the same greenish-blue, but his features were less round and delicate. He was all sharp angles, the lines in his face deeper, his skin paler, almost greyish and the dark shadows under his eyes seemed to almost swallow him up. And, of course, there were the few cuts and the faint bruises. Pavel sighed, rubbing a hand over his face and shaking his head slightly. He wondered how someone like Leonard could even see him as attractive - he was nothing but a wreck, thrown away and addicted to pitying himself in the dark of the night.

Sleep wasn't an option now, not when he had only a few hours left until he was supposed to be up again. He walked to the kitchen instead, hoping to find someone or at least some sort of coffee there. The silence unsettled him somehow; he wasn't used to complete silence anymore. The neighbours of the small apartment he had lived in for the last three years had been noisy. There had been the young couple, a few prostitutes, the single mother with her baby, and other people he had avoided most of the time. And even before, in the Shatterdome in Alaska, there had always been someone around, 24/7. The only sound he could hear was the low humming sound of the lights above him. Sneaking into the kitchen, he found something that at least smelled like coffee and instead of pouring himself a cup, he took the whole can with him.

He didn't want to return to his room, feeling trapped inside those metal walls and thus he wandered through the dome, without a real destination. Passing another set of doors and a few stairs, he reached a room that overlooked the hangar. It seemed almost empty, only three Jaegers filling the space. Two of them he recognised as T'hy'la and the Lady Enterprise. Spock, Kirk, Uhura and Scott. So they were all here. The third Jaeger was an unknown one but it was a beauty. It did resemble the Lucky Nightshade, but at the same time it didn't. It was a Mark III Jaeger too, probably still a nuclear powered one, but it seemed to be forged out of a different metal. The surface was different, just as the whole design. It was probably the one he was supposed to pilot. The Russian leant against the thick glass window, sipping his cold drink and grimacing at the horrible taste. But it was good, the caffeine would keep him awake for a little longer until the lights were back to 100% and he was expected in Pike's office once again, this time to start training with the last rangers that were willing to do this suicide mission Pike would send them on. He doubted that they would be different from the ones he fought against when he first arrived here. Pavel had been sixteen back then, young and inexperienced, arrogant and confident in his own abilities. Now, five years later, he felt like he had served for decades, having learnt a lot about the people and studied a wide range of different fighting techniques.

Sitting there and thinking he didn't notice how quickly the time passed until he felt a hand on his shoulder. At first he thought it was the Doctor again, but it was smaller, the fingers just a tiny bit thicker. "She's a beauty, isn't she." He recognised the voice immediately and not only because of the weird and heavy Scottish accent. The young man had held a grudge against his two friends, Nyota and Montgomery who had both seemingly forgotten about him, but now that he saw his friend for the first time in years, he felt his anger melt away within seconds and he jumped to his feet to hug the other. "Now now, laddie." But the other returned his embrace, patting his back in a soothing gesture. It felt weird, almost as if no time had passed since they left for the fight against the Kaiju named Tentalus and it would be so easy to slip back into his old, cheerful character, but the feeling disappeared as quickly as it had risen. Stepping back, he looked his friend up and down. Scotty had aged in those three years, more than he should have but it was probably the same with all rangers - their job was draining them of their youth and health. Even the Marshall looked different; his hair almost completely grey now and there was something in the way he moved. Pavel couldn't quite pinpoint it but he was sure something else was wrong with the man.

"Vhere is Nyota?" He downed the last bit of his coffee but continued to stare into his mug as if he was afraid that the other might ask questions himself, questions he didn't want and couldn't answer. Questions about what had happened, where he had been during those three years of absence.

"She's with Spock and Jim. They were hoping to find you in the mess." The older pilot shrugged and scratched the back of his head. "She missed you, you know. We both missed you, lad." Pavel had missed them too, he had missed Scotty's odd humour and the way Nyota had always tried to take care of him. The woman had dragged him on shopping tours, had played with his hair, she had even once talked him into painting his fingernails, something Hikaru had only laughed about afterwards. The Russian had always suspected she had been harbouring some motherly feelings for him but they had grown so close in the two years of fighting side by side, that it seemed like the most unimportant thing in the world why exactly she was so fond of him. And then Scotty grinned from one ear to the other, as he leant closer to his younger friend. "Ya know what, laddie..." He sounded excited, happy and incredibly excited. "We're getting a baby."

At a loss for words he simply stared for a little moment before his lips curled into a wide smile. "Zis is vonderful!" Scotty only nodded, the grin on his face even widening, if that was in any way possible. "It's a lass." He proudly held up his right hand, showing the slender silver ring. "We're going to marry as soon as the mission's over."

He felt truly happy for his friends and it seemed as if the man in front of him brightened the room a lot. And suddenly it felt like he had really done the right thing to return. He belonged here with his friends. They had been the first one to give him something else aside from studying and training and always fighting: a family. He threw a last glance at the third Jaeger before he followed the Scottish man out of the room and down to the mess where the others were probably still busy with their breakfast. Instead of silence he was now greeted by the usual hustle bustle, people were walking the hallways, greeting them both and wishing them a good morning. It was as if the silence and the darkness of the night had been a mere illusion, just like the last years felt like nothing but an illusion, a bad dream he had finally awoken from. Only that the most important part was still missing and his heart was still in pieces, even if they didn't hurt that much anymore.

As soon as they were through the doors of the mess hall, he heard someone call out his name and merely seconds later he was pulled into an embrace. "Privet Nyota." Back then they had spent whole evenings only talking Russian because Nyota Uhura had specialised in foreign languages on top of her ranger training, and it wasn't only Russian and English she was fluent in. She had been the best cure for his homesickness and whenever they had found the time, they had even gone out to search for a place that sold Russian food.

Once the woman let go of him, he couldn't help but glancing at her belly. She wasn't showing yet and his obvious interest was followed by a raised eyebrow and a 'Scotty told you, didn't he?'. He only grinned. "Congratulations. I feel wery happy for you." His attention was drawn to the other two men who were standing behind his friend, both tall and handsome. One of them, the slightly taller one, had dark hair with a weird bowl cut, equally dark eyes, and a somewhat stoic expression. The other was blonde and had baby-blue eyes and a wide grin on his face. So they had to be... "James Tiberius Kirk, but call me Jim." The man stepped forward and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. "And this is Spock." The man with the stoic expression nodded and uttered a polite: 'Greetings Mister Chekov. I have heard a lot about you.' His face wasn't displaying any kind of emotion. The two seemed like complete opposites and yet they were without doubt the very best Jaeger pilots, their list of kills a lot longer than anyone else's. "I haff heerd a lot about you too." He offered both of them a smile, before Nyota interrupted the slightly awkward conversation and dragged him away to get him some food. He had definitely lost weight in the last years and that was something she couldn't tolerate. "You're not going to starve to death under my watch, Pasha!"

They were all called to the local command centre after the short breakfast during which Nyota had tried to feed him with two buns, a bowl of cereals, and a huge piece of cake, explaining to him how important it was to eat enough. She had also ordered him to get some sleep as soon as possible because he looked like he needed it. He had felt almost carefree during this hour, being able to relax a bit and listen to the others' chatter.

Now they were all standing around the Marshall and his graphics of the breach, listening to his plan. They were supposed to get a bomb to the breach and then simply blow it up? Other rangers had tried before and it had never worked, so what was different this time? But Pike only said that it would work. And if he said so, it had to be. T'hy'la would be the one to carry the bomb; he was the fastest and the most agile Jaeger that remained. The Lady Enterprise and Emerald Georgia would be the ones to secure their way. It sounded like a suicide mission, but everybody else seemed to believe that it would work. Maybe it was going to. Maybe they actually had some hope for once. It was something the Russian hadn't dared believe in; hope was easily crushed but now that he was _home_ it seemed like there was still something that was worth hoping for.

"Mister Chekov." He looked up, pushing the thoughts aside to focus on what was going on around him. "The other rangers are waiting in the Kwoon Combat Room. We will test your physical compatibility with them. Nobody expects you to find another soul mate or that your new partner will be as fit to work with you as Mister Sulu was. But we want you to at least try." Everybody in the room stared at him, expecting his answer but he only nodded. "Aye ser." He wanted to add that they shouldn't have any hope though, but he didn't. He was supposed to try but he already knew that there was no one who would be compatible with him, not physically and not psychologically.

And he was right. It felt like he was reliving the situation from five years ago, only that he was even faster now, beating every single opponent without hesitating. But instead of the smug smile that had adorned his face last time, his lips were pressed together now, a heavy frown lingering on his features. He was useless. Unable to trust anyone else, unable to work and fight with someone he wouldn't be able to help the others on their mission. He would be going back to sitting around, smoking, and getting into fights to make himself feel like there was still something he was good at.

"If I may excuse myself, ser..." He didn't wait for the Marshall's reaction; instead he threw the staff away and left. The clatter of the wood on the ground was frighteningly loud, as it had gone completely silent once again. Pavel felt them looking at him; he saw Nyota take a step forward out of the corner of his eye but Scotty held her back. They couldn't help him.

The ranger didn't even hesitate this time; he headed directly towards the medical department, letting the door fall shut behind him. "Leonard?" The man was bent over his desk, obviously filling out a form but he looked up as soon as he heard his name. There was worry in his gaze and sympathy, seeing how stressed out and exhausted the Russian looked. "Guess you're here for my offer to get drunk, huh? Give me a minute, kid. I'll be with you right away." And in fact he didn't have to wait very long, though he wouldn't have minded anyway. It calmed him to see the doctor work, he had the steadiest hands Pavel had ever seen and he seemed to care so much about his patients. Once the older man was done, he introduced him to his head nurse, Miss Chapel, before motioning for the younger man to follow him.

Leonard's room was only a few floors away from his own and he was quickly ushered inside. "Sit wherever you want." It was the standard furniture so there was only one chair and the bed. Pavel chose the edge of the bed, sitting down and watching the other rummage around in his closet until he pulled out a bottle, filled with a golden liquid. "Ever tried Bourbon before? Best you can find around here." He joined him on the bed, sitting on the other end, offering him the bottle. "I don't have glasses so I hope you don't mind..." The Russian shook his head and took the bottle, taking a mouthful and almost choking. It was the familiar burn but the taste was different from everything he had tried before. Okay, he was usually the one to stick to his vodka but from time to time he tried other things too. He gulped down what he had in his mouth and took another sip. This time it was better. Then he handed the bottle back to its owner.

They weren't talking, just sitting there and drinking, just like the last time until Leonard began to softly hum. It was a soft tune, one he had never heard before but to the exhausted and tired Russian it was like a lullaby and he felt his eyelids getting heavier and heavier just as his head got lighter with every sip of alcohol. "Leonard..." he mumbled, leaning closer and resting his head on the man's shoulder. He was warm. The other laid an arm around his shoulders, pulling him a little closer and holding him there. "Yeah kiddo?" Pavel opened his mouth to say something but he didn't get to even start, as the sound of the door startled him.

"Whoa! Bones!" He winced, hastily pulling back and sitting up straight again, blinking furiously to get his eyes accustomed to the light again and to see who it was that was standing in the door. It was the ranger with the blonde, tousled hair and the very blue eyes. Jim. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything." The man winked and turned around, leaving them alone again. And suddenly the comfortable silence turned awkward.

Pavel stood up, swaying slightly but quickly regaining his balance. "I should better go. Zank you... for eweryzeng, Len." The doctor only nodded. "Good night, Pavel."

This time he did sleep and for the first time in over three years, he wasn't haunted by nightmares.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Chapter 5**

* * *

"Soo. You and Bones, huh?"

Pavel looked up from his tray, cocking an eyebrow at the other man who was leaning over the table, a wide grin plastered over his youthful face. He wasn't sure what to reply, he wasn't even sure what it was that was slowly growing between the doctor and him but it surely wasn't what this guy was thinking. The Russian shook his head, mouth full with delicious and sweet chocolate cake. It was his third piece already and he was thinking about getting another one because it tasted like heaven on earth after three years of living on rations and hospital meals.

"Oh come on, I saw it with my own eyes. You two are so lovey-dovey. I haven't seen him smiling like this for over ten years now and this is something 'cause Bones doesn't smile for no one." The ranger moved to sit down, a weirdly thoughtful look on his face, as he eyed the younger man in front of him. Jim seemed to hesitate, throwing a quick glance over his shoulder, as if to see if someone else was listening, but the mess hall was crammed with people and nobody paid a lot of attention to the two pilots. "Did you know that he used to be a ranger?" The frown on Pavel's face seemed to only encourage him. "Yeah, I know, he doesn't look like it but he was actually a pretty decent Jaeger pilot. He had this Mark II thing with his exwife and man, the two were one hell of a couple." He shook his head lightly. "Anyway. Why don't you try to do the thing with him? You two seem really comfortable around each other and it's not like we've got a lot of time to find someone more suitable for you..."

Pavel didn't say anything; instead he looked down at his table and poked the cake with his fork. It wasn't like that. He wanted to say. It wasn't like there was anything going on between them, not like he was ready to just replace Hikaru with someone else even if it's such a wonderful and kind person. Leonard was the only one who had not shown him pity, who had not tried to talk him into doing something he didn't want to do. He had only been there for him. Before he could further dive into the thought of what exactly he was feeling, a voice came out of nowhere and startled both of them.

"Shut up!" The doctor had obviously heard what they were talking about and the look on his face indicated that he wasn't really happy about it. "Dammnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a ranger and I sure as hell won't try to get into the whole thing again. You know what happened after my last drift, I almost got Jocelyn and myself killed!" He rested a hand on Pavel's shoulder and the Russian felt a pang of disappointment hearing that the doctor didn't even consider the possibility of them as a team. At the same time he was glad to hear it, though, knowing that the man wouldn't try to take Hikaru's place. It wouldn't work. He brought too much grief, too much pain into the drift and not even the doctor would be able to fight through this mess. They had to admit it, Pavel was just a wreck, a broken good that was of no use in a real fight against a real Kaiju.

"You do like him, I can see it. Haven't you heard Bones, the world is coming to an end. And we're all dying anyway if this doesn't work. So where would you rather be, here, or in a Jaeger fighting side by side with that boy?" Jim looked at them both intently, his face completely serious all of a sudden, as if someone had turned a switch inside his mind. "We don't have the time to cry over hurt feelings. I need backup out there and Scotty and Uhura are good but you two are the best we still got! And you're the only one who's piloted a Mark II and a Mark III, Bones. If you help us we've got a chance to close the Breach once and for all!" He waited for another moment to let his words sink in, before he shrugged and the usual carefree grin returned to his features. "Now, I gotta get Spock, he promised to show me one of his meditation exercises or whatever. See ya both in the combat room!" And before either of them had uttered another word he was already gone, leaving behind an uncomfortable silence and two men staring at their own hands.

Pavel was the first one to speak up again, his words quiet and uncertainty clearly audible in his voice. "I do not zink et vould vork. I do not trust you and for drift you need trust." And the physic compatibility of course. He licked his lips, waiting for any kind of reaction. "I don't think so either, kid. Hell, you're not even old enough to pilot one of those things, least of all follow them on a suicide mission like that!" So much for the good doctor who was the only one not to tell him what was best for him. He was just another one of those people who called him too young, too inexperienced for his job, the job he had been trained for all his life. Leonard was just like those people five years ago who had made fun of him before he kicked their asses and sent them to the ground not only proving that he was good enough but that he was better. Narrowing his eyes, he stood up and grabbed his tray, stepping closer to the doctor in the process. "Oh, I am old enough, beliewe me. I haff operated a Jeager vhen I vas sixteen and nobody told me I vas not good enough back zen. I vant to see how you do better, old man!"

He threw the rest of the cake away and stormed out of the mess, unwilling to let the other man tell him just how young and stupid he was to take part in this plan. Pike had wanted him because he was the best. He obviously hadn't thought that he was too young because he came and asked him to come back. And he would prove it again if it was necessary.

Running had always cleared his mind. Back in The Icebox he had always used the first hours before everybody woke up to run, taking a route around the Shatterdome. He had been to this one in Hong Kong before and he knew where to head, as he left the building, the cold, fresh air hitting his face just like the soft rain it brought with it. His legs seemed to move on their own and he felt himself relaxing. Going through everything again, he saw himself confronted with the same question as earlier. What exactly was this between the doctor and him? How was it possible that he felt so good, so safe around the other man in a way he had never felt before? What was this spark, this weird feeling inside his chest whenever he felt the man's hand on his body? He had thought himself dead inside, had thought that with Hikaru gone there was no one he would ever feel attracted to again and yet he wanted to be around the older man more often, just watching him work and listening to the smooth drawl of his voice. But even if there was something, even if he was falling for the man, he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to trust him like he had trusted Hikaru. He didn't know if he could let him into his head. And he wasn't sure if he would survive another loss.

For the rest of the run he simply shut off his thoughts, enjoyed the rain in his face. It seemed to wash the doubt and fear away, at least for a while and left only the promise of rest, of a time when this whole war was over and the worst thing he had to worry about was what kind of a suit he would wear to Scotty's and Uhura's wedding.

He came back to the Shatterdome to find everyone waiting for him. They had gathered in the Kwoon Combat Room just like the day before only that this time the doctor was there to. He had stripped of his blue shirt that indicated he belonged to the medical department and instead stood there in a short sleeved black shirt, the staff held in both hands. It was an unfamiliar sight but somehow he looked better like this, younger. But he didn't seem to be happy. His brows were knitted together in a frown. He didn't apologise for anything that had been said earlier but he didn't say anything else either, as Pavel stepped onto the mats, slipping out of his shoes and doffing the socks. The weight of the staff in his hands was reassuring as always and he pressed his lips together in determination, as he approached his opponent. He would show that he wasn't too young, that he could take on this man just like he could take on everyone else.

Whirling his staff around, he moved in for the first attack, carefully testing out the other's skills. It wasn't exactly similar to the match he had fought with Hikaru however the Russian had a similar feeling, the same something that was impossible to describe with words. His hand stopped on his own, as Leonard moved back, seemingly to escape but at the same time aiming for his left arm. "One for me, kid." This time the doctor attacked him, forcing him to retreat but Pavel ducked under his swing and gently touched his chest with the tip of his staff. "Vone to Vone." Leonard was nothing like Hikaru when it came to fighting just like he was different in every other aspect. Where Hikaru possessed agility and speed, Leonard had more strength and experience. He didn't need to think as much to know where Pavel's moves would take him and his blows were almost impossible to block. But he wouldn't let the other win. Twisting his body around, he tried a different approach, this time laying all his strength into returning the other's blows. It didn't have the effect of surprise he was looking for though. He felt the weakness in Leonard's defence more than he saw it but the moment he aimed for his head and moved to kick his leg, the man swung around and grabbed his hips, throwing him onto his back.

A drew. He was on his back, the other's staff against his throat but at the same time his own hovered only inches above the man's neck.

Pavel heard some of the other men cheering; he heard Jim's voice calling out something like: 'I knew it!' and Scotty's: 'Well done, laddie!' but the only thing he really noticed was the look on Leonard's face. It seemed like a mixture of pain and amazement and he reached out a hand to help him back onto his feet. They ended up only centimetres apart, both panting, sweaty and with adrenaline rushing through their veins but there was something calming in the other's near. Nervously licking his lips, he still held onto the man's hand, warm fingertips softly brushing over his wrist. "I'm sorry, kid. I didn't mean to insult you earlier." Leonard mumbled but it was obvious that he was forcing himself to say those words. It broke the ban between them and Pavel pulled back. "Is alright." It was a lie, they both knew it but there was nothing they could do to make this work. Not like this. He looked over at Pike who seemed concerned but nodded. "I won't force you into anything. If you don't want to do it, I'll see you at the local command centre in three hours, Mister Chekov, so we can choose your new co-pilot."

"Wait!" It was Leonard's voice that made everyone in the room pause in their steps and look at the man who hadn't even moved. "If Mister Chekov is okay with it, I'll do it. I'm his new co-pilot." Surprised, he stared at the other for a moment but then he felt a small smile appear on his lips. Pavel still wasn't sure if it would work, he wasn't sure if he would be able to let another person into his head and he was still concerned if he would even be able to stand the drift. But he sure as hell wouldn't step down now. He had been reminded of how much this meant to him, being a ranger, piloting a Jaeger. He would fight for himself and he would fight for Hikaru. Because if he managed to secure T'hy'la until Spock and Jim managed to drop the bomb and destroy the, Hikaru would have a world to wake up to.

He felt the other's look at him, waiting for him to say something, to decline or to accept the offer and he tried his hardest to push his uncertainty aside, tried to reassure himself with those words. He wouldn't lose another co-pilot. He would drift with this man, he would trust him and they would win. No pain, no regret, nothing. And when everything was over he would go back to being with Hikaru. He wouldn't return to the fucked up way of living in that small apartment, doing nothing but trying to survive and making himself feel alive by getting into fights. Nyota had told him earlier that that wasn't what Hikaru would've wanted.

"Alright. Ve vill try et." He nodded and focused on the doctor again. Pavel felt that the other was thinking the same. They both didn't think this would work, they both had doubts but they were willing to try.

Their first drift was scheduled for the next day and they were dismissed. Pavel spent most of the day with Montgomery. His friend knew everything about the Jaeger, the doctor and he were supposed to pilot and it was impressive. The Jaeger wasn't quite like the Lucky Nightshade and through the Mark III Restoration Project it was refitted with a completely iron hull, free of any alloys, new weaponry and two nuclear reactors but it shouldn't be too much of a difference, after all they were both Mark III Jaegers. Pavel especially liked the core or her heart, how he had secretly named it and his fingers were itching to see just how she would follow his every move. He didn't feel regret that his old Jaeger hadn't been restored, he knew it would only make things harder, no matter how much he missed her. But in his mind the Lucky Nightshade was always connected to Hikaru. It had been their Jaeger, they had named it, they had been the first and the only rangers to pilot her and she had died for them.

He had just pulled his old copy of 'War and Peace' out of his bag, as he heard a knock on the door. "Come in." The door opened and Leonard stepped inside. The Russian sat up from his lying position as the other closed the door behind him and continued to awkwardly stand in the middle of his room. "'m sorry if I'm bothering you, kid but I like to talk about the stuff we will see in each other's head before we're getting surprised by anything tomorrow. Makes the drift a lot easier 's far as I know." The older man shrugged and Pavel only nodded, gesturing for him to sit down with him. The book joined the others on his bedside table and he shifted until he was sitting next to his soon to-be co-pilot.

Silence fell over them again and neither wanted to start talking. The doctor should though, it was his idea. Pavel felt awkward in this silence and he instinctively shifted a little closer without even realizing it. His hand found Leonard's and the man finally began to talk, hesitantly at first but he then slowly opened up.

"I grew up in Georgia, most average and normal life you could imagine. Only child, my parents weren't exactly strict but they weren't spoiling me either. I married my High School sweetheart about a year before the first Kaiju attack. We had a pretty normal life together until the attacks continued and the government was looking for recruits for this crazy giant robot project. And because we both wanted to do something, we enlisted. Visited the Academy as everyone else did and we were drift compatible. We had a little daughter just before we graduated and she wanted out. But I couldn't do it, I didn't want to give up just then. We did a few kills but she decided this wasn't the life for her and her daughter. And she began getting beasty. And then I almost got us both killed because of a stupid mistake and she left me. Ran away with this guy and took my baby-girl with her. After the divorce I wasn't even allowed to see her anymore." His face darkened and he squeezed Pavel's hand, tightly enough to almost hurt him but he didn't seem to notice it.

"I didn't know what to do so I tried drifting with someone else but I wasn't fit anymore. So I got into the medical department. Seemed like I had more of a hand for stitching people up than for killing beasts. That's when you showed up. Last day of very short leave and I was looking for some place to drink and I saw this cute guy being followed by those fatasses and tried to swoop in and help but the cute guy turned out to be a pilot and he was pretty pissed off as well." The Russian shook his head, chuckling quietly. He hadn't laughed in years and it felt almost weird. Leonard seemed to like it though because he gently caressed the back of Pavel's hand with his thumb. "Your turn."

The younger man hesitated, looking at their interlaced fingers and biting his bottom lip. The other would see what was inside his head anyway, the drift would show everything he wouldn't tell right now but it was still hard. He had only once talked to somebody about what had happened and only to get the reports done, he didn't feel like opening up now, not when he was on the verge of betraying Hikaru like this...

"I grew up in Taganrog. Is port in South of Russia. My mozer died vhen I vas four and my fazer snapped. I did not zink he vanted me any bad but he did not get ower et. And he vanted to make a soldier out of me. He vanted zat I vas ze best at eweryzeng I did and because I vas wery intelligent for my life he felt encouraged. He made me take fighting lessons and dancing lessons, made me leern different languages and eweryzeng. And zen ze Kaiju started attacking and he said I should fight zem. I did not wisit school, he had me tutored at home. I newer wisited ze Akademy eezer, I leerned eweryzeng direktly in Vladivostok vhere ze first Russians vorked viz ze Jaeger program and I saw ze first Russian Jaegers and I tried driftig viz vone of ze men zere but et did not vork. And zen zey sent me to Amerika and I vas going to Alaska to find a co-pilot..." He gulped, the memories flooding his mind almost painfully. "I met my partner on first day zere... Hekahru vas... good. And ve vere wery much compatible." Pavel squeezed the other's hand in return now and for a moment he almost laughed. This was just like in those TV-soaps when the protagonists talked about their sob-stories and admitted their sins. But it wasn't funny because it was reality. And their stories were much more painful than any made-up TV dramas. And he knew that he should tell Leonard about their relationship. That they had been more than just partners and best friends. He should tell him about their kisses and their almost-sex.

"Ve vere assigned to Lucky Nightshade. Vone of ze last Mark III Jaegers. And eweryzeng vorked perfekt. Ve vere reelly good and ve held ze Score in kills. And zen zere vas ze attack in 2022." He wouldn't tell it. Pavel didn't even know why he lied, why he left it out on purpose but it felt like the right thing to do. Maybe it was because he didn't want Leonard to think he was a slut or maybe it was something else. "I do not know vhat vent vrong. Ve had dealt viz Category III Kaiju before but zis vne vas different. He... Ve killed et but et destroyed our Jaeger. And it almost killed Hekahru... I vas able to get him out of zere but..." He felt tears sting in his eyes and he shook his head. His voice was trembling, high pitched and weak but he continued nevertheless. It was as if he had broken a dam inside of him and he wasn't able to stop talking now. "Et vas horrible... I zought he vas dead, he vas not breazing and he vas so cold... I vas connekted viz him vhen ze Kaiju grabbed him, I felt his pain and his fear and he told me to get avay but I did not... I brought him out of ze Jaeger and zen eweryzing vas dark... I voke up in hospital but he newer did. He newer voke up again..." The tears were flowing freely, running down his cheeks and dripping off his chin, leaving dark spots on his trousers.

Leonard didn't say anything, he didn't tell him that he was sorry, he didn't even comment on what he had just heard. Instead he gently cupped Pavel's face with his hands and wiped the tears off his skin. "It's alright, kiddo. Everything's alright." The Russian choked on a sob and leant against the older man, resting his head against the broad shoulder. It was comforting in a way he had never imagined anything to be. It was soothing the burn in his chest. He still felt the gentle hand on his face, stroking over his temple and cheek. And then he felt a pair of lips brushing over his own and it was so much softer than the last time, so much more careful. He swallowed down the sobs emerging from his chest and leant in, returning the kiss just as gently. The touch only lasted for a few seconds, until Leonard pulled away. He didn't smile. Pavel wanted to see that smile, he didn't know why but his whole body yearned to see those lips form into a smile, he wanted to see those eyes laugh and he wanted to join. He wanted to feel those hands everywhere on his body and he wanted to feel careless and young as he had every right to be.

Leonard smoothed the crinkles in his shirt and moved to lie down on the bed, pulling the Russian on top of him. Pavel rested his head on the man's chest, cuddling close to his warm body and closing his eyes. He felt the older man's arms around his body and he felt small and weak in his embrace but at the same time he knew he was safe. And something in his mind said that this was exactly where he belonged.

* * *

Waking up in someone else's arms felt so much better than he remembered and Pavel almost felt like he didn't want to leave this bed ever again. If time could just stand still for a little while. He laid there, listening to the other's rhythmic heartbeat, his steady breathing and he felt the man's chest rise and fall. It was calming and it would've lulled him back to sleep if it wasn't for the alarm that went off a few minutes later and way too early for his taste. He heard Leonard groan underneath him, strong arms circling his wais and pressing him closer to the other's body for a little moment, before the doctor opened his eyes and blinked into the dim light. The Russian hadn't wasted too much thought on the man's appearance before but he had to admit he was handsome, even now with his tousled dark hair and his sleep swollen eyes. Maybe he looked even better like this, without the hard lines in his face and less stressed. With a quiet yawn he rubbed his eyes and sat up once the other's arms let go of him. This wasn't the time to lose himself in staring at his new co-pilot, they had to be ready for the drift in an hour and he was starving. "G'morning to you too, darlin'." He heard Leonard grumble behind him, as he disappeared into the bathroom without another word, hurrying to brush his teeth and get some decent clothes on.

When he emerged from the bathroom, the doctor was already gone, leaving behind nothing but a familiar scent and the crumpled bed sheets. Pavel wondered if it would feel like this if they had had sex but he hastily pushed the thought aside because it was definitely not what he had in mind. He still had no word for their relationship, he still felt resistant though the part of his conscious that rebelled against what was going on was slowly shrinking. And when he thought about how casually the doctor had used the word 'darling' he felt an army of butterflies in his stomach, reminding him of that innocent crush he had harboured for Hikaru for almost a year. Only that he was no longer sixteen and he wasn't in love...

It was weird how one could almost forget about the Kaiju just sitting in the mess hall and listening to the cheerful chatter. Days had passed without another attack and the mood was light. Nyota was absently holding her fiancés hand who was idly chatting with one of the Engineers about the latest improvements on the Jaegers and how the reparation could be done in even less time. Jim was grinning as always and obviously trying to talk Spock into going to a karaoke bar with him as soon as they had some downtime. Leonard was sitting next to him, a bit closer than what was deemed appropriate for friends but without touching. They had settled in a somewhat pleasant silence. The hours before his first drift with Hikaru had been different, they had been nervous, chatting with their comrades and trying not to waste too much thought on what they were going to do.

But the memory didn't upset him as much anymore. Maybe Nyota had been right when she told him that he had to find his peace with what had happened. Maybe he was able to trust Leonard to take the pain away that still clung to everything that reminded him of his ex-co-pilot. He even felt his lips curl up in a grin and a quiet laughter fell from his lips, as Jim told about their time at the Academy, how Leonard had always gotten him out of trouble and how he had always dragged Bones with him.

They didn't have to hurry but the others wanted to watch their first drift they were urged to finish their dinner without the second slice of cake. Not that he minded, Pavel was slowly getting nervous, unsure what the drift would expose that he hadn't told the night before. He knew that he could still tell the doctor, now was the time to admit just how deep the relationship with Hikaru had been and it wouldn't feel like betraying his new co-pilot by trying to keep it a secret but he couldn't. Everyone was expecting them to work. Nyota had patted his back and whispered into his ear to not let this one go. 'If you don't want to get hurt again. Then just don't let him go. Take care of him and keep him close by your side so nothing will happen to him or you.' She had also told him that Hikaru would've wanted him to be happy. He would've wanted him to find something to live for, to go on with. He didn't doubt her but he doubted her words. Who knew what Hikaru would've wanted? He wasn't here; he would probably never be here again. And if he came back wouldn't it hurt him to see that Pavel had found someone else he loved? He tried not to think about it too much, as he let the technicians help him into the Drivesuit, feeling the comfortable, familiar weight of the metal. It still didn't fit perfectly but it never did. It was always itching and scratching the skin and every movement in the Jaeger would be worse but that was nothing a ranger should complain about.

It was just then, when he was about to enter the Conn-Pod that the peace ended abruptly. Red lights and sirens tore him out of his thoughts. "We've got activity in the breach!" They hurried back, the metal soles of their boots loud on the floor, as they stormed into the control centre, eyes fixed on the Marshall who stood there, a scowl on his face. "The Kaiju is heading for the city!" He pointed at Scotty and Nyota. "You two will take him on and get him away from the coast! T'hy'la will stay back until you are in need of assistance. You have to get that bomb to the breach, we can't risk losing you!" He focused on Jim and Spock, eyes narrowed and brows knitted together. "You will not interfere without me telling you to. Have I made myself clear?" The two nodded, Jim a little more hesitant than his partners and then they were off. Pavel stepped forward. "Vhat about us?" Pike eyed him for a moment and then turned around to face his screens. "You lay back and wait. You never drifted before we can't risk anything going wrong."

The Russian clenched his fists in frustration, about to raise his voice and complain but Leonard stopped him, resting a hand on his arm and shaking his head. Now they were supposed to sit there and wait? Unable to help their friends in the battle? "But..." But nobody paid attention to him, they were all focused on supervising the drops and then guiding the two Jaegers on their way out into the fight.

Biting his teeth together, he joined Pike at the controls, watching the footage of the Lady Enterprise's cameras without paying too much attention to the radar. Something was off, he could feel it. And his gut feeling was usually quite reliable. "We got it. The beastie will regret the day it set foot on our planet." Scotty sounded like he didn't share the Russian's doubts, he was confident.

With every minute that passed he felt his anxiety rising, it was dark outside, though it was still morning and it was raining, as if the heavens had decided that they were no longer in their favour. They could barely see something through the Jaeger's cameras. The Kaiju that emerged from the water right in front of the Lady Enterprise was huge. And it seemed not only to be fast and agile but also smart in a cruel and terrible way. It easily dodged the Jaeger's attack and then stroke with its tail. The cameras went blank, there was only blank nothingness left and Nyota's voice, screaming that the beast was slowly taking them apart.

"The Lady's having problems! We're going in before the thing is killing them!" Pike yelled at them to keep their position but Jim didn't listen and Pavel was glad that he didn't. There was no way the others would survive without help from what they had heard so far.

The strangled cry, emitted from two throats at the same time, made him wince. His eyes widened in horror, as he heard his friends screaming over the com. They weren't able to make out any clear words but the one. Acid. And then there was only the sound of rushing water. And then nothing.

And then the signal was lost.

They were dead.

Lost.

Drowned.

Crushed.

His pulse was terrifyingly loud in his ears, as he stared at the screen. Nyota. Montgomery. Nyota. It was as if time had stopped working, as his head replayed their last days together the happiness in his friends' faces. How Scotty had told him about their little baby-girl, the small house they would buy once this mission was over, the normal life they would lead. They had never wanted to be heroes or legends, they only wanted this war to end to have their small, happy family. But happy end weren't meant for them. Heroes never had their happy ending, heroes were slain, heroes bled, heroes fell. They didn't grow old and have a happy life with their family and friends. The Russian felt tears sting in his eyes, white, pure rage bubbling up in his chest at the same time as the darkness began gnawing at his insides again. He thought of the child Nyota had carried under her heart, how tenderly she had stroked the slight rounding of her belly, how she had talked about 'uncle Pasha'. The Kaiju had taken it all away. The girl had never seen the light of the day, had never gotten the chance to grow up and be a hero like her mother and her father.

Pavel felt numb.

And it got worse.

Just as T'hy'la reached the Kaiju, on the verge of engaging him in a battle, a second signature appeared. The fear was clearly visible in Pike's eyes and he yelled into the microfon. "Abort! Retreat T'hy'la! Retreat immediately!" But they didn't listen, instead they saw the second Kaiju emerge from the wild waters, throwing back his head and then screaming. It was such a high pitched sound that Pavel crouched slightly and covered his ears. And then everything shut down. They heard Jim scream something, about the Jaeger being unable to move and then the systems failed. Pike cursed and bellowed at his subordinates to get it fixed but it would take hours. Hours while those two monsters went to destroy the city and kill another crew.

And again Pavel felt that hand on his arm, this time not holding him back but holding him up. He bit back his tears and straightened himself, doing his best to keep his voice from quivering. "Our Jaeger... Meester Scott has said he is analogue, nuclear! _Ve_ can go out zere! Ser! You haff to let us!" Pike looked at them for a few seconds, obviously pondering over the risks and then nodded, defeated. "Okay."

It took them less than two minutes to get back to the Conn-Pod. They both hesitated a little moment, looking at each other and then nodding. There were no words left to say, not when they were about to enter each other's heads. Pavel didn't feel nervous anymore, he only felt the loss and the anger, burning from inside and he knew it was dangerous. He knew it could jeopardize everything, so he tried to calm himself down, as he was connected with the equipment. The weight and the restrains were familiar and yet it was different. It was the first time in two years and they couldn't fail. They didn't have time to adjust; they had to succeed on first try.

And then the drift was initiated and he felt all his sorrows dissolve into nothing. Suddenly he was feeling calm and relaxed, home. A stream of memories flooded his mind. A young boy, running through a large house, calling for his mother, but the woman didn't answer. Then he found her on the bottom of the stairs, unconscious. He screamed until his throat was hoarse. Then he was in the hospital, waiting until she woke up and crying tears of joy. He visitited High School, he flirted with many girls but only that one was really interesting him. She was beautiful, all dark hair and bright eyes, her mouth red as blood and she was so skilled with her hands... Then he was at the Academy, his fiancée with him and then there was Jim. Jim, the reckless boy he had met on his way to the Academy. The boy who helped him through the worst arguments with his wife and who fell head over heels for the mysterious, dark, tall and handsome ranger. He watched how his wife left him, feeling nothing, only the loss of his little daughter. And then he was a doctor. He was helping people; he was drowning his pain and sorrow in alcohol until he met that terribly young ranger. In a dark alley in San Francisco. And suddenly he was filled with hope, doubts but still hope.

The memories ended and it got cold around them. Pavel saw where he was and he steeled himself for what was to come. A young, curly haired boy, weeping at his mother's grave. His father began drinking. He started yelling and told him to do what he told him to. The small boy was told to fight, to dance and to study. He was told that like this he would make his father proud. And he would do everything to see his father happy again. And then the Kaiju came. And he had a goal. It was everything for him and he worked even harder until he was finally there. And everybody kept calling him 'too young' and 'a baby' but he never gave up. And there was Hikaru, they drifted, they relied on each other, they hugged... The Russian focused on the most painful memory. The incident. The Kaiju attack, the pain, the agony...

The flashbacks ended as quickly as they had begun and they were both gasping for air. Pavel didn't know how he had managed to guide that stream of memories but he didn't think about it. Their minds had melded. The Russian felt Leonard at his fingertips, in his mind and everywhere and he knew the other felt the same. It was different from what he knew. More intense. With Hikaru there had still been a 'you' and 'me'. Now there was only 'we'. He didn't know if he was Leonard McCoy or if he was Pavel Andrejevich Chekov. It didn't matter.

They heard the soft mumbling of the scientists in the control centre and they smiled at the words. "This is the strongest neural handshake I've ever seen. It's completely stable. Never something like this before... And they aren't brothers. Are you sure you're not related in some way?"

They dropped and the feeling of anxiety returned. They knew the pain and the anger came from Pavel but Leonard did his best to calm him down, crushing the waves of aggression and the need for revenge with his gentle voice. Pavel felt like he was being touched, like he was embraced by those warm and strong arms and he felt the soothing words echo in his head.

They had no guidance but they didn't need it anyway. The moment they were released by the helicopters that had carried them out of the Shatterdome, they saw the first Kaiju. It was circling its prey, the immobile Jaeger T'hy'la and the two tiny figures on its head. Jim and Spock seemed to have tried to attack the beast with the signal rockets but it only worked to piss it off further. But the Kaiju seemed to understand that the approaching Jaeger was a more interesting prey and a mre dangerous enemy.

And then they attacked. The anger made them faster, made them stronger but it was their skill and the waves of calm that were keeping their ability to think intact, that they didn't tlose themselves in the emotions. Pavel held onto that wonderful and warm presence, as he punched the beast. It was fat and it was ugly, its red eyes focused on the Jaeger's heart as it threw them towards the coast. But they wouldn't go down that easily. They got back to their feet; they fought back, almost punching the monster's brains out, fists filled with heavy steel containers.

The Kaiju didn't go down until they hit it with the Plasmacaster, again and again until there was almost nothing left. They were both breathing heavily but the triumph rushed through their system. They were high, high on adrenaline and joy to destroy what had taken their friends away.

"Vait." Pavel said, his voice clear and no longer weak. "I zink et is dead. But let us check ze pulse to make sure." They turned around and unloaded another volley of shots into the lifeless carcass. "Guess it's really dead, kiddo." They almost laughed but they still had one monster left to kill.

The second Kaiju didn't go down as easily and they destroyed most of the city trying to bring it down to its knees. In the end they managed to rip out its tongue and acid sack and shatter the frozen tail. But both of them were surprised as the thing suddenly spread its leathery wings and carried them away. They didn't panic. They stayed calm and tried to wrestle out of the grip but it didn't work. They had left the earth's atmosphere, as Pavel remembered something Scotty had said about the updated weaponry and his hands found the switch to activate the chain sword. He threw a glance over at Leonard who looked right back and grinned, a feral, dangerous grin that Pavel returned at the same time, as they moved to twist in the Kaiju's grip and then slice right through the wiry body.

They fell. They fell and at the fear finally gripped hold of them, as they tried to stabilise their Jaeger. And Pavel felt the grief like a dark wave trying to overtake his conscious but there was still Leonard. He was holding him too tightly, to let the darkness win, he was the light of hope and he was there. And Pavel let go. They sank into another split second of memories. Memories of Hikaru, of them being together, of them kissing and cuddling and just holding each other and of what had happened on his birthday just before that Kaiju attacked. And instead of being angry, instead of rejecting him, the doctor continued to embrace him in his mind. There was a spike of jealousy but it was quickly replaced with hope and something that was so much stronger. Trust. And Love.

Pike's voice was the harsh reminder that they were still falling and they're purging the nuclear reactor to slow down their descent. They were landing directly in that stadium and their bodies were shaken with the force of the impact. Pavel felt every single bone in his body vibrate, he felt how Leonard's muscles complained but they were alright. Everything was alright. Everything worked. They were safe. They could do this. Together.

The rush didn't end when theywere back at the Shatterdome and out of the Jaeger. They were still connected. They could still feel each other's presence and each other's emotions, running through their bodies. It was the ghost-drifting how the scientists called it and they always insisted that it would quickly fade away. With Hikaru it had faded after an hour or two but with Leonard it didn't fade at all. It was still there as they were sitting on his bed later. And they both knew that it would never go away, not as long as they lived. It was just as their neural handshake, something that had never happened before. Maybe it was because they were destined to be together, maybe it was simply because they both knew pain and they were each other's last hope to find something that was real and good and that stayed. A miracle cure.

Pavel was sobbing, he was curled up next to his co-pilot and had his face hidden in his hands, letting the tears flow. Nyota. Montgomery. Hikaru. Leonard didn't try to cheer him up; he was only there and stroked his hair and back.

And he stayed.

He stayed until Pavel had no more tears to cry. Then he started kissing his cheeks, gently holding the younger man's face in his hands and licking the salt from his pale skin. He moved to kiss his eyelids and then his temples. He kissed Pavel's forehead and then trailed over his jaw to his mouth, sealing their lips. The kiss started as soft and platonic as the other one before but the Russian was sick of being treated like he was a doll that was about to break. He knew it was crazy. He knew it was probably not the time or the place to do this. And he had never done it before. But he wasn't afraid that it would hurt, he wanted it to hurt. He wanted this man to purify him, to drive away all the pain and the grief, the doubts and the regret.

The younger man climbed into the doctor's lap, not breaking the kiss but intensifying it, biting the other's bottom lip until their tongues slid together. The heat that flooded through his body once their tongues battled for every inch of ground, was incredible, he felt those strong hands on him, no longer holding his face but instead gripping his hips. Leonard let himself sink back to the bed and Pavel followed, kissing him eagerly and impatiently tearing away his jacket. The spark set his whole body on fire. The doctor's fingers slid under his shirt, running over his skin and it felt like his skin was burning wherever the man touched him. It was a sensation he had never felt before but it was so goddamn good. His head was spinning; the gravity seemed to stop working as he broke away for air. "Len..." he mumbled, eyes searching the other's gaze and what he saw fuelled his desire only further. The man wanted him. He wanted him the same way he needed him. And they both felt it. He experimentally rubbed his crotch over the other's and they moaned in unison. His fingers gripped Leonard's shirt tighter and he had almost ripped it off in his haze had the doctor not stopped him. He watched the other sit up slightly, taking of his shirt in a fluent, almost gracious motion. Pavel's shirt followed, both discarded on the ground.

"I need you." The words left his lips so much more easily than he had imagined and the man responded with a growl, claiming his lips in another, passionate kiss. Skilled hands began to work on his zipper, quickly getting rid of the trousers and the boxers until the Russian was completely naked, still half sitting, and half lying on his co-pilot. He squirmed, rubbing his erection against the fabric of Leonard's trousers in an attempt to get some friction but the hands on his hips held him firmly in place until a low whine fell from his lips. "Pleese..." He licked his lips and ran his fingers over the man's chest, trailing the defined muscles. Even his slight shadow of chest her was perfect, everything on this man was perfect. But he was obviously also a hell of a tease. "Pleese doktorr. Leonarrd." He pressed another kiss to his lips, nipping at his bottom lip that was already swollen and a wonderful dark red. "I need you... I vant you. Now."

He saw something flicker in those dark eyes and he almost shrieked in surprise, as the man lifted him up ever so slightly and shifted until Pavel's hips were hovering right over his face. The Russian felt the heat creeping up in his cheeks, as he stared down at the other, gripping the headboard to support himself, as a hot slickness suddenly engulfed his length, swallowing him down. Pressing his eyes shut he tried his best not to thrust into that wonderful mouth, as the doctor began to suck, afraid to hurt him in any way. He gasped, as a dry finger circled his entrance, probing the puckered hole and pressing inside just a tiny bit. "Would be better if you sucked them before I do this..." The man mumbled, letting go of his throbbing hard member for a second. Pavel nodded, hesitantly taking the other's hand and sucking three of his fingers into his mouth. Leonard kept looking at him, watching him while he tried his best to wet the fingers with his tongue. And he had to be doing something right because the man groaned again.

"God, boy... Pasha." The diminutive of his name sounded so weirdly familiar but at the same time uttered by this low voice it sent another thrill through his body, making him whimper and he let go of the other's fingers, aware that the saliva was dripping off his lips.

The first finger went in easily. He had been told it would feel amazing but at first it was just weird, totally weird. And then the second finger joined and the third and it was painful but in a good way. A very good way. He kept pressing back against the doctor's hand until the man held him still with his free hand, scissoring and moving his fingers in a way that knocked the breath right out of his lungs. It did feel amazing. And more than that, it sent shivers of pleasure down his spine it made his knees weak and the moment Leonard's fingers brushed over something deep inside him, he was letting out a startled cry. "Do et again..." he begged, gripping the headboard hard enough more tightly until the knuckles were shining white under his skin. His whole body was trembling.

But instead of aiming for that spot again, Leonard pulled his fingers back, leaving him so terribly empty. The Russian squirmed and watched the doctor fumble with his own trousers, pushing them down over his knees, followed by his shorts. "I'll give you something way better, kid..." he purred, pulling him back down onto his lap. Leonard gripped his cheeks and Pavel was almost sure there would be a nice set of bruises later but it only made him more needy, more wanting and he pushed down on his own accord, impaling himself on the other's thick, stiff cock.

It hurt. The man's erection was so much bigger than his fingers and Pavel felt like he was being split open but he kept going, pressing his eyes shut and sinking down further. He relished the pain that tore through his system, freeing his fingers from the headboard and instead gripping the man's shoulders. They were both breathing heavily, as Leonard was all the way inside him, filling him so completely. They were fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle, physically and psychologically. They were compatible in every way and the way Pavel could still _feel_ the other not only inside his body but also inside his mind, was simply incredible.

They moved in a rhythm, steady, slowly waiting for Pavel to adjust to the intrusion before they quickened their pace. It was as if they were one, entirely and completely, the ghost of the drift still connecting their minds and their love connecting their bodies. And the younger one could've sworn even their hearts were beating in the same rhythm even if that was impossible, considering the other's size and weight compared to his own.

It didn't take much to throw Pavel over the edge, he was already so sensitive through his foreplay and once the doctor started running his fingers along his shaft, he came with a strangled cry. Leonard kept pounding into him, holding him up, taking what he needed and the Russian was willing to give him anything. His heart felt like a little bird, erratically flapping his wings and his breath was laboured and he was so sensitive. The doctor groaned, pulling him down and biting at his throat to muffle his moans as he finally came, the hot liquid filling his insides and eliciting another whimper from Pavel's lips. He had never thought it would feel like this, to be with another man. All he felt was satisfaction, exhaustion and fondness for the man underneath him. He collapsed as soon as the other stopped holding him and he cuddled up to his co-pilot and lover once the man had carefully eased out of him. Even then he could still feel him in there, inside him. Maybe this was why their neural handshake was so strong. Because they were compatible in so many ways others didn't even understand.

"Let's rename that Jaeger..." Leonard mumbled, his face buried in the crook of the Russian's neck. "How 'bout Emerald Georgia. Sounds better than Victor."

* * *

The post coital haze didn't last very long. Of course he had never believed it would be able to fend off the darkness eating at his insides for very long but it kept the nightmares at bay. Securely snuggled up in the other man's arms his dreams consisted of blank, white fields covered in snow. Nothing bad and nothing good, just the wide emptiness that was his mind. And he felt the hand on his shoulder, the warm, gentle hand that was always there and kept him warm and he knew it wasn't empty. There was someone else, someone who was there to protect him, to stand by his side like he needed it.

It was the first time in a while that they weren't woken up by an alarm. They had been told to sleep as long as they wanted, recovering from their first drift together and from the fights yesterday that had strained not only their muscles. And yet there was no time to grieve. One day they had been given. One day to train and gather their strength until they would head out for the Breach. Pike had sounded tired and weary, just like everyone else. Nobody had been in high spirits, having lost another Jaeger, only two left now to complete a mission that sounded more like suicide than an actual plan. But no one was uttering doubts. It was respect and it was hope that left the words unsaid.

Pavel blinked into the greyish sunlight that fell through the window and he wanted to fall asleep right away, get some more hours without having to think but his stirring had woken up Leonard who was now running a hand through his hair and looking at him with tired eyes. "G'morning, darlin'." The same as the morning before, only that Pavel returned it now, the hint of a smile playing around his thin, pink lips, as he leant forward to press a quick kiss to the other's cheek. He wanted to brush his teeth before he gave him a real kiss, everything else wouldn't be as pleasant as he had found out with Hikaru in the early days of their relationship. "Good morning, Lyonya." He didn't know when he had come up with this name, sometime between yesterday night and this morning, maybe even in his dreams but he thought it was a good one. Lyonushka. Len. Leo. There were so many ways to shorten that name, made it sound softer and sweeter on his tongue and he felt like it was a privilege to be allowed to call him this. Of course it was. The man smiled at the name, this small but honest smile that made the butterflies in his stomach dance their mating dance.

He reluctantly stood up, stretching himself and hissing at the sudden pain in his lower back. He heard Leonard chuckle behind him, pointing out that this was completely normal after their activities the other night, especially when he wasn't used to this kind of... intrusion. Pavel blushed and hurried for the bathroom, ignoring the soaring ache in his back and instead concentrating on his face in the mirror. He didn't look as bad as he had done a few days ago. Something had changed. He was still as skinny, the bones creating sharp angles, the hair messed up and darker with the dry sweat from last night but the shadows under his eyes had turned from black to grey, the bruises were slowly healing and he seemed softer. Just a tiny bit though and maybe he was even imagining it. With a sigh he splashed the cold water into his face, trying to scare the thoughts and the tiredness away, as he quickly brushed his teeth and then headed for the shower.

The Russian showered with cold water this time, hoping that it would help him through the awakening memories of what had happened yesterday before the doctor had followed him to his quarters. Shivering he turned the water off, still not feeling clean but his skin was beginning to hurt and his fingertips wizen. Wrapping himself in the largest towel he could find, he left the bathroom, instinctively searching the room for the doctor but once again finding it empty. Of course. The other man wanted to shower himself as well and he had all his stuff in his own room. Pavel took his time to search for his clothes and his black boots. He appreciated the numbness that was still occupying his mind. It didn't shut off the weak connection he still had to Leonard. He could feel the man's presence somewhere in the building though he couldn't exactly pinpoint where he was. Not that it was anything he should worry about, his co-pilot was free to do whatever he wanted to do, as long as he showed up eventually. And he would probably meet him for breakfast anyway.

The thought of getting something to eat was brightening his mood ever so slightly. He was starving, probably because they hadn't had dinner the other day and piloting a Jaeger as well as... sex... were quite straining activities. The word alone made him feel almost giggly but he forbade himself to speak the thought aloud. He was a grown up man and a ranger, he had killed almost a dozen Kaiju and he had beaten almost everyone who had dared to challenge him in the Kwoon, he wasn't supposed to feel like this!

He had been wrong. Leonard wasn't in the mess hall and he didn't show up in the following hour that Pavel spent eating the sweetest things he could find in the kitchen. From the rich chocolate pudding to thin slices of white bread with blueberry jam. For a moment he didn't know if he should be worried or not but on the other hand, why would he be? He was pretty sure he would feel it if something happened to the other man and he hadn't felt the need to worry about him before. So instead he went to the Hangar to see how the two remaining Jaegers were doing and to ask one of the mechanics if they would be able to change the sign on Emerald Victor's chest for his last journey. Emerald Georgia. He liked it, it combined his favourite colour and the place his Leonard called home. It didn't sound all that aggressive anymore but everybody knew this Jaeger was a winner anyway.

The Russian thought about the assignment they were heading out for tomorrow. Protect Spock and Kirk who were supposed to throw that bomb into the Breach and then get the hell away from there while the Breach was reduced to its molecules. It sounded like a good plan, only that no one had ever managed to actually get something into the Breach, it had always been closed before that could've happened. His analytic mind told him that there had to be something else behind that but he was only the one following orders and they didn't have the time to research this any further.

He spent most of the day around the Engineers, not only talking about the Jaegers but exchanging stories about Scotty as well and the mere mentioning of the name hurt. He longed for Leonard at his side, as he listened to what the other men told him, funny stories from when the man had not yet been a ranger but a mere Engineer, always trying to make the Jaegers more badass and efficient. He had been the one to supervise the Mark III reparation program; he had been the leading hand behind restoring the Emerald Victor and it was thanks to him that he was equipped with the current weaponry. The man had been a genius. Just as Nyota had been the one single woman to speak the most languages on every PPDC base worldwide.

He was just about to fall back into the thoughts of how their daughter would've been, what kind of wonderful kid could be born from such a heritage and such a talent, when someone patted his shoulder. "Mister Chekov!" It was a young man, one of the technicians but no one he had ever been introduced to. "Vhat is et?" He asked, standing up immediately and watching the other man catch his breath. Something important! It must've been something important when the man had been running like this. "Doctor McCoy said he wanted to see you. Immediately!" The words were enough to set him off, he mumbled a quick 'Zank you' into the man's direction and hurried out of the hangar and into the lift, impatiently punching the button for the right story. He followed the messenger's example and ran down the corridors and to the sickbay, his heart pounding in his chest not because of the haste but because of the fear. He felt that something was wrong. Very wrong. And he trusted his instincts.

Bursting through the doors of the sickbay, he opened his mouth to ask what exactly was going on but the words were stuck in his throat.

He froze.

Every thought in his mind was immediately gone.

There was nothing.

Nothing but the person standing right there, dressed in the white gown and with a weak smile on his lips.

Hikaru.

The world stopped spinning as the man approached him, the smile on his lips widening.

"Pasha. Pasha baby!" And then the Russian as pulled into an embrace and a kiss was pressed to his lips, not really forceful but determined.

He heard a strangled sound behind him and when Hikaru let go of him enough so he could turn around, he saw Leonard standing right behind him. His face was a facade of stone, no emotion shown there but something in his eyes spoke of disgust, pain and disappointment. Pavel felt it. Pavel felt how the connection, the ghost of the drift that had been there all along, broke. It was as if a piece of his mind was being ripped out, not painful but leaving a gaping hole behind. And then the doctor left, storming out of the door without another word.

Pavel felt sick.

He had dreamt of this moment for years. He had spent days thinking about what he would say when Hikaru finally woke up, how he would kiss him and hold him close and make sure he was recovering soon. But right now none of those words fitted anymore. Now he almost wished that the other hadn't woken up at all because he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. He was finally reunited with the man he loved, he used to love but now he wanted something else. His heart was broken by the way Leonard had looked at him, how the man had given up on him completely. He had betrayed him and it hurt more than anything else.

And he knew he couldn't give Hikaru what the man deserved. He was no longer the cute little Russian kid that had a huge crush on his mentor. He was no longer seventeen and in love with his partner and co-pilot. He was no longer innocent and eager to kill Kaiju. He was no longer whole.

This part of him had died with the Lucky Nightshade. It was buried deep beneath the surface of the sea.

The Pavel Chekov that was now standing here belonged to the doctor. He was broken; he was in so many ways hurt that it was no use even starting to count them. And even if he still had a chance to forget Leonard and return to Hikaru he wouldn't be able to be with this wonderful man. Hikaru had shown him what it meant to love, what it meant to have someone who cared. But Leonard had saved him. Leonard had pulled him out of his misery and helped him back to his feet. Hikaru had offered him his hand when nobody else had accepted him. But Leonard had offered him his heart, his warmth, his love when everything else had fallen apart. Hikaru had made him feel loved. But Leonard had made him feel _alive._

"Pasha?" He gulped, looking up at the other man again and he didn't know how to say those words. They were heavy as stones on his tongue, pressing him down to the ground, wishing he would just drop dead and every problem would be solved instantly.

"I am sorry." He mumbled, unable to look up, afraid to see the other's expression. "I... You vere gone for long time. And I vas... I haff..." Pavel had no idea how he was supposed to explain this. But he had to make this right. "I died. Many times. Inside. And zen zere vas Leonard... and he helped me out and he made me feel good. He is my new co-pilot and..." He hesitated, afraid to say the words out loud but they were there, on the tip of his tongue and there was no use denying it any longer. "And I love him. I love him..." He pressed his eyes shut, waiting for the other to accuse him of being a whore, waiting for the words to hit him like punches but they didn't come. Instead he felt the hands that had held his shoulders fall away.

"You..." Pavel looked up and it hurt. Hikaru looked so sad, so lost and abandoned. And Pavel felt like he was the worst being on this and every other planet. Even the Kaiju were better than him, they didn't betray their own kind. "I was gone for too long, huh?" The man stumbled backwards and leant against the bed in his back, looking at his hands. He tried to force a smile but Pavel could see the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I was gone for too long and I look like shit. Of course you wouldn't want me anymore..."

Pavel shook his head. "No! Is not true!" He did look horrible, weak, skinny, his muscles melted away in those years of just lying motionless. His skin was grey and his eyes had lost their spark. And his hair was turning grey. Like he had been away for decades, not years. "Is not because of zat!" He jumped forward and wrapped his arms around the other in a helpless attempt to do something, to make it better for Hikaru. "Then try it. Come back to me. I promise I'll be fit in a few months and I will be strong enough to carry you around. And I'll take care of you. I'll make you happy. I'll take you everywhere you love to go and we can have as much sex and as many dates as you want!

"I can not..." Pavel looked at him and he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore, he was suffocating and everything was his own fault. He had brought this upon the other and himself. "I am sorry." But Hikaru shook his head, laughing weakly. "I understand it. I had my chance and I left you... Why would I deserve another one." He looked up, the bitterness clearly audible in his voice though his smile was almost honest. "Go to your doctor. But if he ever hurts you I will be here for you. And if I get my fingers on you I won't ever let go of you again and if I have to kill him with my own hands..."

The Russian knew better than not to take Hikaru's threat serious but he couldn't help but smile, knowing that the other was forgiving him. He knew he didn't deserve it; he didn't deserve a man like Hikaru who still loved him after he had abandoned and hurt him so much and he kissed the other's cheek before he left the sickbay, promising to come back soon to talk and catch up. They would stay friends, best friends, maybe something above that even if Hikaru said he would keep waiting for his chance to win him back. He hoped the other moved on soon because otherwise it would only hurt them both...

Now he only had to tell the doctor that he was in love with him. It shouldn't be all that difficult, right?

But he was wrong. Again.

He didn't knock as he entered the man's quarter but what he saw wasn't what he expected. The man was sitting at his desk, an empty bottle of Bourbon sitting on the wood next to him and held another one in his hand, taking a mouthful before he looked up. Pavel stumbled backwards, as Leonard stood up and he felt tears in his eyes before the other had even said anything. This look of utter disappointment and sadness, anger and resentment...

"Have you come to tell me you're happily reunited with your lover, boy? I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear a word from you." Pave shook his head but he didn't get to say anything before the other continued. "I trusted you ya know. I thought I could try again after this bitch of a wife took off in the middle of the night... I thought you were different. But I guess I was wrong." He laughed, a loud, bellowing laugh that was oozing of hurt. "You're just another liar. You were just using me like everyone else, leaving me 's soon as your sweetheart's back. You only wanted me to fuck you right? The whole drift thing was nothing for ya... You're a little slut. I should've known it... I should've seen it from the beginning..."

The Russian stared in shock, unable to move or to say anything, as one word after the other searched its way into his heart, breaking it once again.

"You know what... you can forget your stupid suicide mission tomorrow. Go take your boyfriend with you and let me in peace."

"Len..." Pavel begged, his voice weak and trembling and he gathered every last bit of his courage and stepped forward, raising a hand to touch the other's arm.

Leonard batted his hand away. And then he backslapped him, viciously. The sound echoed through the room and Pavel felt the pain in his cheek as he hastily retreated, stumbling over his own feet, as he hurried back to the door.

"Go, kid. I hope I never have to see your face again!"

Pavel had lost all orientation. He was simply following his feet to wherever they were guiding him. He felt the edges of his vision go blurry and finally dark, as the shock was replaced by the first signs of his break down.

He made it to one of the empty labs before he threw up. Once there was nothing left inside his stomach that could make its way up again, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve and crawled under one of the tables. He made himself as small as possible, hugging his knees and then he wept. He let the tears run freely. He cried and screamed and he tasted blood and bile on his tongue but he didn't stop. His nails were digging into his arms, breaking through the skin and drawing blood but he didn't even feel it.

The darkness was there. Finally. Crushing over his head like a wave and then pulling him under, drowning him. He heard voices inside his head, Scotty, Nyota, Hikaru, Leonard. They all kept talking at the same time, kept yelling at him that he was the worst. He was just the little slut playing with everyone's feelings and then letting them down, letting them die.

And he heard his father. His beloved father telling him that he was of no use if he didn't follow his orders, telling him that he was the reason his mother died. He was the reason she didn't saw the red light and had the car crash. If he hadn't been born then Anna wouldn't have died...

He didn't know if he passed out from exhaustion or from the pain but when he felt he was losing consciousness, he was relieved.

* * *

"I am Not willing to let you go on that mission without me, Jim."

"Cut it out already, Spock! You know I'll make it back right! And you can't possibly pilot T'hy'la with that arm of yours! Now's not the time to stay strong and stoic, you're not getting anywhere with that thick head of yours here! You like logic, right? This IS the most logical thing to do!"

Pavel was woken up by the loud conversation that seemed to be held just outside the lab. Angry voices were shouting at each other and it didn't take very long for him to analyse whose voices it were.

"We are not certain if the drift will work."

"It'll be just fine! He used to drift with my father and he will be compatible with me. There is nothing you would've to worry about!"

"There is indeed a lot I must worry about, Jim."

The voices dropped lower and the Russian suppressed a groan, trying not to disturb what was going on out there, no matter how shitty he felt. His head seemed to burst, his face felt raw from the crying and he didn't even start to think about what was going on in his stomach.

"I won't say goodbye, Spock. I promise I'll come back to you, okay. And I always keep my promises."

There was silence following, an unpleasant, deafening silence.

"I do not wish to lose you, Jim."

"I love you too, Spock."

"I did not agree on the matter."

"You have no choice. We have to do this and we can't wait until your arm's healed."

"Jim..."

"Stop it. I'm not going to die, kay! And I really need breakfast before I climb into that Jaeger, okay so stop keeping me away from my food and coffee!"

The voices grew more and more muffled as footsteps continued further down the hall. Pavel hadn't known about Spock's injury but the fight the other day had obviously been more of a disaster than he had initially thought, if that was even possible. He frowned, as he run a hand through his hair and crawled out from under the desk. He tried to think about who would drift with Jim now but it lead him to the thought of he was supposed to drift with and everything came back to him immediately. The last night. Hikaru. Leonard. He bit back the pained sound that wanted to escape his lips and swallowed down the tears that were once again gathering in the corners of his eyes. He was more than just the boy that could be tossed away like that. He was stronger than that. He wouldn't cry anymore. He had a battle to fight and a war to win. And he wouldn't let anything come between him and this mission, no matter how much he wanted to go back into that sweet, dark oblivion and forget everything that had happened.

He was lucky that the corridors were almost empty as he made his way back to his room, so there weren't many people who could see him in this state. Pavel didn't even look at the mirror, not wanting to see how he looked, as he quickly brushed his teeth and washed his face. Maybe his father had been right about how needing someone else was a weakness. He was supposed to trust his co-pilot to have his back in the fight but he wasn't supposed to let anyone close enough to betray him. Maybe it had been his fault all along, maybe he had become _weak._

When he left his quarters this time, he didn't head for the mess hall, instead he went directly into the kitchen. He had always been on good terms with most of the people working there and they had always let him eat there when he hadn't felt like sitting with the other rangers. He didn't smile as he was greeted with a tense but positive atmosphere, he only nodded at the women and men who greeted him and thanked them for the few slices of bread they handed him. For a brief moment he wondered whether or not Leonard was actually looking for him but on the other hand there was nothing left to say in that situation. They only had to complete this mission and then he would be gone. The doctor wouldn't have to see him ever again, neither would Hikaru. If they survived, he would take the next flight to Russia. He would return to what was left of the place he was born at, would return to his father and tell him that he had met his expectations, that he had become a hero. And then he would find something else to do. Maybe continue studying; maybe join the military again to become a regular soldier. They would surely accept him with open arms with his reputation and past as a ranger. He would leave everything behind and start anew.

The food tasted like nothing. It was as if he was trying to gulp down cement but he knew he had to eat or he wouldn't be able to carry out his last assignment. His head had stopped spinning but it was still hurting. He asked the cook for pills and swallowed them all at once against the woman's warning. He needed his body to work today.

The Russian didn't need to look at the time to know he had to keep going, he left the empty plate on his chair and headed for the Drivesuit room. His face was a mask of utter determination, eyes cold and focused and his mind clear of pressing thoughts. Not waiting for the technicians or his co-pilot, he began putting on the suit, knowing the routine well enough to be able to put on most parts by himself until he heard steps behind him. "Pavel..." He turned around to see Leonard standing see, saw the look on his face that spoke guilt and regret. The man winced under his cold gaze and he opened his mouth to say anything. "No." The younger ranger shook his head. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear anything right now. The technicians flooded the room and the last pieces of his gear were put on. "Are you alright, Mister Chekov? You do not look good." He concern in the man's voice was obvious and he looked at him just like everyone else did, afraid that he would break, afraid that they would lose their chance to take on the Kaiju for a last time. He nodded. "I am fine." And then he left the room.

They met up in the hangar. Jim was already there, Spock right next to him, his arm bandaged and pressed closely to his body. The look on his face spoke of concern and fear, something Pavel had never seen before. Spock was usually the man that showed no sign of emotions, not even around his husband and co-pilot. To see him like that was almost a shock to Pavel. Jim wasn't grinning this time, he wasn't even smiling. Instead he kept holding his husband's eyes, gaze focused onto the door of the lift, waiting for his new co-pilot to arrive. Neither of them said anything as Pavel approached them, neither mentioned who was going to lead them into this battle, who was going to be T'hy'la's second pilot.

And then the doors opened and Pike stepped outside. The black suit made him seem smaller than he was and it was a very unfamiliar sight. Pavel had known that the Marshall had been a ranger himself but he had thought the rangers of the first generation had stopped piloting due to their health. The Jaeger program had been more dangerous and risky in its early days, most workers and especially the rangers had been exposed to critical levels of radiation. Cancer. Pavel wanted to ask what was going on, he wanted to say that there must be someone else who would be able to drift with Jim, but the look the Marshall gave him was enough to shut him up immediately. Resting a hand on his shoulders, Pike looked down at him, something like pride in his eyes. "Five years may not be a very long time, Pavel. But I always thought of you as my best and closest student. I was proud to see you grow from the young inexperienced wunderkind to the best ranger I have seen in my whole career. You will have to protect me out there. You can do it, right?"

The Russian pressed his lips together and nodded, his mask falling for a little moment to display an expression of uncertainty but he was quickly bringing it up again. Pike nodded, obviously satisfied and left to climb onto a few boxes, overlooking the crowd that had gathered around them. Everyone went completely silent as he raised his voice and addressed them. From the corner of his eyes, Pavel saw Leonard join Jim and Spock but he didn't turn to look at him, his attention focused on his mentor. "Today, today… at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we've chosen not only to believe in ourselves but in each other. Today, there's not a man nor woman in here that shall stand alone. Not today. Today we face the monsters that are at our door and bring the fight to them! Today, we are cancelling the apocalypse!"

The crowd cheered and they kept cheering as they left for the Jaegers. It was a sound that rang n his ears and echoed in his head. They entered the Conn-pod and were connected to the operating system. It felt familiar, it felt good.

"Drift initiated." He closed his eyes, waiting for the rush to come but it never did, instead he heard a shrill, artificial noise and the voices of the scientists call out that something went wrong. "We're unable to connect you! Whatever's going on between the two of you, you better resolve it or you will fail the entire mission!" It felt like the temperature was dropping rapidly inside their closed off room and he heard the uneven breathing of his co-pilot. "Pavel..." The younger pressed his eyes shut and waited. "Pavel... I know it sounds bad but I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I was drunk and I said a lot of stupid things, things I didn't mean. I understand that you love Hikaru and I was stupid to believe I had a chance against him when he was awake..."

And then something snapped inside his head, and Pavel tore away the cables, freeing himself of the restraints and stormed over to the other. "You are sorry?! Do you know vhat I vent zrough?! You haff no idea vhat I am zinking!" His voice was getting louder and louder and he felt the bitterness of the words on his tongue as he spat them out, openly yelling now. "I told him zat I loved you, you dumbass! I told him zat I could not get togezer viz him because I love you! And you call me a slut and zrow me out!" The Russian tried to breathe. His accent was getting thicker the more agitated he became but he didn't care. "I trusted you. I let you fuck me not because I felt needy and you vere ze only vone I could get my hands on but because I zought you vere ze right vone to do et viz! Hekahru offered me so much, ewen if I do not deserwe et. But I said no because I vanted to be viz _you!_ And you say zat you are _sorry_ for sazing stupid zings?" It felt good to get it off his chest but at the same time it only brought forth the pain once again, breaking through the barrier he had built to protect himself and crushing down on him again.

"Pasha." He shook his head, opening his mouth to continue his yelling but instead he felt a gloved hand on his arm. "I am... I didn't know. God, I'm such goddamn idiot!" Surprised, he looked up and his eyes widened, as he saw the way Leonard looked at him, so full of regret, so sorry and so... loving. He was still mad; he was still disappointed and hurt, so terribly hurt, but he felt it all slowly melt away, as the man pulled him into a gentle embrace. "I'm so sorry, kid. I... I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve _you_ but I beg you... can you forgive me this one time? I swear I won't drink a single drop of liquor until the day I die." The words made him smile. He felt like crying and laughing at the same time but instead he simply shook his head and raised a hand to the side of Leonard's helmet, stroking over the shatterproof glass. "You vill not be able to keep zat promise, old man." The doctor gripped his hand and squeezed. He didn't smile, he was still serious, his expression pained but Pavel saw something like hope in his eyes. "I forgiwe you, Lyonya..." he whispered, forgetting that everybody could hear their conversation anyway. "I love you."

The words felt right, they even tasted so perfectly right and he saw the amazement cross the other's face, followed by a wide, relieved smile. "I love you too, kiddo. Pasha. I'm so sorry for what I said..." Pavel kept him from saying anything else by removing his helmet, taking off his own and then leaning forward to press a short, gentle kiss onto the man's lips. His heart was aching but not from pain this time but because for the first time in years he felt good. And once he felt Leonard's arms around his waist, as he leant into the kiss, he knew that he had done the right thing. The kiss was sweet, lingering just a little longer, before they both pulled away. The silence was broken by another wave of cheering, coming from the scientists and whoever had listened to their very emotional conversation. But there was no time to waste now.

They quickly put their helmets back on and returned to their places. This time it felt right and once he was pulled into the drift, he felt the same warmth surrounding him as the last time. The doctor was in him, around him, his body hot against his own, soft lips trailing over his jaw and his neck. The last hours replayed in their heads, his point of view, how he told Sulu that he loved the doctor, how Leonard had thrown him out, how he had spent the night under that table, miserable and hurt. Then they were in Leonard's head, watching the dark haired guy who had just woken up in his sickbay, hug and kiss his lover, telling him all kinds of things about how he was back to take the place by his side, that they were reunited and the disappointment, the jealousy, resentment and hate were burning him up. He had left, heading for his room. He had grabbed the bourbon, trying to drink the thoughts away and then Pavel had shown up on his doorstep, his lips still wet from the kiss and he had felt betrayed. The words had left his mouth before his mind had caught up but he didn't regret them at this moment. He only wanted to be left alone to drink himself stupid. The kid left and he sunk back onto his bed, emptying the bottle and then falling asleep, feeling nothing but pain and disgust for himself.

 _I'm sorry._ They both thought it and they both forgave each other at the same time, opening their eyes to find back into reality.

* * *

"You know, kiddo. All those years I spent lived in the past... I never really thought about the future. Until now. I never did have very good timing."

There was no going back now.

Not that there had ever been a way out of this, not after he had followed Pike back to the base in Hong Kong, but now that the waters of the pacific ocean were engulfing them, it felt more definite. All openings were sealed and they continued walking. The water was dark, each step dispersed more dust and sand from the ground they were walking on, making it barely possible to see anything, even in their artificial lights. Their neural handshake was strong and steady.

"Two Kaiju ahead, still circling over the Breach. Codenames: Scunner and Raiju. Both Category four." Two big ones just like the ones they had been fighting off a day ago and they had lost two Jaegers in the process. They both felt a flicker of grief cross their minds but it was soon discarded. Now wasn't the time for anything but this mission, full concentration. They would grieve later, if they survived.

"Georgia! There's something on your right! Three o' clock!"

But they couldn't see anything, the water was too dark and the Kaiju was moving too fast. Turning their head, they clenched their fists in anticipation to be attacked but nothing happened, the beast seemed to wait, circling them in the distance without coming any closer. They could feel the anxiety rising, they could hear how strained and stressed out the others sounded and they were making no difference. Pavel let Leonard do most of the speaking, they both thought the same things anyway. They were getting closer, the sensor readings from the Jaeger's outer hull, were showing the increasing temperature.

They reached the edge of the rim and jumped, falling several meters, before they had once more solid ground under their feet. They had almost caught up with T'hy'la now, only a few steps and that was when another, unexpected voice shouted into the microphone at the control centre.

"Stop! It won't work, it won't work!" Newt. The crazy scientist they had encountered in the Shatterdome a few times but without exchanging more than just a quick greeting and throwing a glance at the impressive amount of tattoos on his arms and neck. He was talking fast, too fast for Pavel to understand but Leonard seemed to get what he was blabbering about. The Breach was not only a connection between their dimensions. It suddenly made complete sense, why every previous attempt to destroy the Breach had failed. It scanned the genetic code of whatever came near it, only letting through the Kaiju because it recognised their DNA somehow. Leonard cursed, asking how the hell they were supposed to get the bomb in there, when neither of them was actually a Kaiju but the only answer they got was to trick the Breach into believing they were.

"There's another one! Another Kaiju is emerging from the Breach!" The light of the fiery rip in time and space was illuminating the dark shadow that emerged from within it, coming forth into their world and neither of them had to hear the faint 'Category five' to know that it was. The beast was gigantic, compared to the other ones, outweighing their Jaegers by far and it seemed to move directly towards T'hy'la who was closest to it.

"Hold out T'hy'la! We're coming to help..." But Leonard wasn't able to finish their sentence, as something crashed into their side, pummelling them to the ground in a vicious blow. Sharp teeth aimed for their left shoulder but they were fast enough to twist out of the grip and shove the Kaiju away. "Ze svord!"

They were too slow. They saw the movement out of the corner of their eyes but the moment they were to turn around, the beast had already reached them, teeth sinking deep into the mechanic arm and tearing it off. Pain shot through their system, eliciting a scream from both their mouths and they struggled to keep their balance. The loss of weight on one side made it more difficult to stand up straight, facing the Kaiju that was coming right back, mouth wide open and eyes focused on Georgia's head this time. There was no time to think. They acted on pure instinct, activating the second chain sword and raising the left arm. It was too late for the Kaiju to react.

The force of impact drove them a few centimetres backwards, their arms screaming in pain, as they bisected the beast, a cloud of Kaiju blue staining the water around them, making it impossible to see the other Kaiju approach them. But this time they were prepared. Teeth bit together, they fought back, as the beast tried to claw off their leg, wrestling the Kaiju to the ground. Their sword sunk deep into the monster's skull and they pulled it towards one of the volcanic vents on the ground, leaning back, as the boiling hot water hit the Kaiju's face.

"Die already!" A wave of hatred reached his mind and this time it was him who reached out in an attempt to calm Leonard's thoughts. But they were quickly distracted by T'hy'la's cry for help. Cursing, they let go of the half burnt Kaiju to turn around, having almost forgotten about the other Jaeger. Jim and Pike had a hard time fighting the Category five, being forced further and further backwards. "T'hy'la! Ve are coming for help!" But they couldn't use their right leg anymore, it simply bowed under their weight and they fell onto their knees. _No. No. No!_

This wasn't how they were going down, not when they were so close to finally ending all of this! Using the Chain Sword to support themselves, they forced their left leg to move, more limping than actually walking towards the Breach and their friends.

"No! Stay back Georgia!"

"We're coming to help you, T'hy'la!"

"Bones, no!" That was Jim. He sounded weird. Strained but there was no fear in his voice as he yelled into the speaker. "Georgia is nuclear powered! You bring her to the breach! You can destroy it!" Pavel felt something like cold realisation creep up in his body and he heard Leonard scream, telling Jim to cut the crap and let them come for help. But neither of them moved. They could only stand there and watch, watch how both Kaiju approached T'hy'la.

"Spock?" There was no fear in Jim's voice and they could almost hear the smile on his lips, as he continued to speak.

"Spock I know you can hear me... You... I'm sorry. Seems like I can't keep my promise this time. We have to clear a path for the lady."

"They're going to detonate the bomb!"

"Spock... You can always find me in the drift, Spock. I'll always be with you, no matter what happens. We're T'hy'la, remember..."

"Jim..."

Pavel felt cold, his teeth buried in his own bottom lip as he felt Leonard's and his own emotions melt together in a great pool of despair and disbelief. This couldn't be happening. They were supposed to protect them, not watch them die right in front of them. Memories flashed before their eyes, memories from Leonard's and Jim's time together. How they first met in the plane. How they bonded over being rangers. How Leonard had attended Jim's wedding and Jim had attended Leonard's. How happy Spock and Jim seemed together, how great they were at what they were doing.

"I love you Spock."

And then there was silence. A few seconds of deafening silence.

And the bomb exploded. The bright light blinded them and they crouched, to not be blown away by the pressure wave.

"Jim..." They still heard Spock's voice, disbelieving, stunned and quiet, more of a whisper in the distance.

The sound alone made them cringe in pain. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! For a moment they were unable to move and Pavel was sure he could feel the neural handshake losing strength but then the pain in their minds changed to anger. They wanted revenge, revenge for what had been done to their friend, to all of their friends. _Trick the Breach into believing you're a Kaiju._ They reached for the Kaiju's carcass and headed for the Breach, slowly, almost crawling now due to the damage done to their Jaeger. They had no idea what awaited them once they were inside the Breach but none of them really cared, none of them was afraid, not even as the roaring Category five rose once more. It should've been impossible for it to survive the explosion, its skin was burnt and some of its limbs were missing but it still attacked them.

Pavel looked at Leonard.

Leonard looked at Pavel.

They nodded.

They let go of the dead Kaiju and rose to their feet once more, reaching for the last strength they had left in their muscles. The moment the Kaiju opened its mouth to emit another roar, they jumped. They hit the Kaiju mid-air, their sword finding its way into the monster's head.

And they fell.

The beast was still fighting, powerful claws trying to break through the Jaeger's hull, teeth gnawing at their shoulder. But it was no use.

"Let's fry this thing!"

The heat from the Jeager's heart burnt the Kaiju's skin, tearing a hole into its body.

The Breach swallowed them the moment the monster stopped struggling.

"McCoy's oxygen is critically low!"

Pavel looked up, almost in trance, he saw the man at his side stare at him, eyes wide in panic and they both felt the dizziness. "I can do zis alone, Lyonya." He mumbled and reached out, unplugging his own oxygen tube and connecting it to Leonard's suit. "You vere ze best co-pilot I ewer had." He felt the connection break and yet they didn't lose it. Even without the drift they could still feel each other's presence. His partner tried to move, tried to stop him but he was already too weak, his eyes falling shut, as his mouth formed its last words. "Don't you dare..."

The Russian reached for the control panel and activated the escape pod.

They were still falling.

And now he was alone.

The adrenaline rushed through him, as soon as he was himself again and he felt almost empty without the other in his mind. But he had to keep going. His hands found the controls. "Manual initiation necessary." He cursed under his breath. Panic pulsed through his body, the will to survive, as he freed himself from the restraints.

His whole body was trembling.

His muscles were revolting against his mind, his legs almost giving out under him. He climbed through the Conn-pod and he slipped. Almost falling to his death, he gripped the next handle he could reach, pulling himself up and to the hatch in the floor. The taste of blood flooded his mouth, as he opened the heavy metal hatch. _Leonard._ The thought of the other man waiting for him somewhere above him, alive and breathing, gave him the strength he needed.

He was running low on oxygen himself, as he stumbled back towards the controls, strapping himself into the system. His vision was blurred. His fingers almost didn't find the button and he forced himself to stay conscious for the last seconds.

_Leonard. Leonard. Leonard._

It was like a mantra in his head, as he finally managed to activate the second escape pod.

The countdown was echoing in his head.

He wouldn't make it.

The explosion would not only destroy the Breach but also kill him in the process.

Images were flashing in front of his eyes, splinters of memories. Some of them were his own, he saw the face of his father, the pictures of his mother he had always carried around with him as a child. He saw himself, dropping the box of photos onto the bed and leaving them there. He regretted it now. He should've brought them back with him, if only to give them to Hikaru in an act of reminiscence. The man would've liked them. Some of the memories were Hikaru's. He saw short pieces of his childhood, his little sisters dancing around him, placing small flower crowns on his head. He remembered them together in their first year as pilots, always teasing each other, always gossiping about everyone else. There was Nyota. Her gentle hand on the back of his own. There was Scotty with his funny accent and his incredible knowledge about the Jaegers.

And then there was Leonard. He dived into the memories he had left from the man, saw his ex-wife and his daughter, saw how happy they had been. He saw Jim and him together, bound by a strong and wonderful friendship, both trusting each other with their lives. He saw Spock, always stoic, always distanced and he heard the quiver in his voice, the weakness, as he had called out his husband's name. He saw himself, from the other's perspective- How Leonard had first seen him on the news and had thought that the kid was way too young for the job. Had thought of him as an arrogant show-off. But then he had watched the news more often, had seen the kid's name everywhere, he and his partner and their Jaeger. And then he had met the kid for the first time. Still so incredibly young but so broken and lost. And he had felt the urge to protect him, to keep him close from the minute he saw him, even if he knew that the boy didn't need his help. He wanted to be close to him. Wanted to show Pavel, that he could trust him even when he didn't trust himself.

A smile lingered on his lips.

"I am sorry, Lyonya." He whispered.

His lungs were burning.

A weird, numb feeling took over his body.

He couldn't breathe.

He wanted to clasp his throat at the pain but the escape pod was too small and he was unable to move even a finger.

Only seconds ago his own heartbeat had been so loud in his ears, like a heavy drum.

But now it was silent.

The ghost-drifting faded. He didn't feel him anymore. He didn't even know if Leonard was still alive.

And then the darkness took him.

* * *

It was dark. It was dark and he didn't feel anything. There was no yesterday, there was no tomorrow.

Pavel felt like he was floating; the air that surrounded him so very light, if it even was air. He couldn't breathe but he didn't need to. His eyes were open but it would've been the same if they weren't, the darkness wouldn't have changed. It is ironic. He thinks, because he realised that this must be death. He had thought about how it might be to die, he had entertained the thought a few times during those last years, when everything had seemed hopeless. And now, now that he had everything; that he had this man he loved, the man who loved him; that he had accomplished something great; he got to know how it feels. But there was no irony in his mind, there was no sadness either, no regret. Pavel felt at peace; the calmness washed over him like a wave, leaving no sign of fear or pain behind.

There was a sound. Voices and music, faint, so far away. It was a slow tune, one he thought he knew but couldn't identify. It stirred something deep inside him and it made him feel like a child as he reached out a small hand, extending it towards the darkness.

And it faded away.

People always spoke of a bright light, a gate that would open and an angel that would lead him into the realms of heaven, paradise.

Instead he stood in a wide room, the furniture consisting of a couch, an oaken table and an ancient looking rocking chair right next to the fire. The walls were plastered with photos, mostly printed of paper and tucked neatly into one of the silver frames his mother had liked so much. Her footfalls rang soft on the carpet, almost soundless but he could still hear her. He felt a spark of surprise as he turned around and saw her. Pavel had to look up to see her face even though he should've been taller than her by now. But here, he was the five-year old he had been when she left, his short arms encircling her waist, as he pressed his face against her soft belly, breathing the familiar scent. She had the same eyes as he did, long, blonde hair, that fell over her shoulders. And she had the most gentle smile on her lips. Anna Chekov bowed down, running a hand through his curly hair and placing a kiss on his forehead as soon as he released her from his tight embrace.

"I missed you, mama." He whispered. The boy's words were no longer tinted with the usual heavy accent; neither did they flow like they used to do whenever he spoke Russian.

He wanted to say more but he was interrupted by another hand, resting on the small of his back and when he looked up he saw his father. Not the haunted old man, who forced his son into learning and fighting, but the person he had been before his wife's untimely death. He was the Andrej Chekov, Pavel had adored and admired so much, the man he wished to be one day when he was old. But when he was here that meant he too was...

There were different voices, calling out his name and he saw Nyota and Montgomery standing in the door, a small girl sitting on Scotty's shoulders and playing with his hair. They seemed happy. More so than they ever had. They smiled and nodded, stepping aside to let another person walk into the room.

Jim was the only one who didn't smile. The young man seemed serious, a thoughtful expression on his handsome face, as he approached the young Russian. "They got you too, huh?" He asked, placing a hand on his shoulder and shaking his head.

"You don't belong here, kid."

And then something changed. It was as if everything around him melted away. The room disappeared into nothingness; the couch, the fireplace, everything vanished. Pavel felt his own face twist into a despaired grimace as even Scotty and Nyota disappeared, waving and smiling at him.

_Pasha._

There was another voice in the back of his head. It sounded more like a figment of his own imagination.

_Pasha._

_Pasha, please._

He knew this voice. He knew that it belonged to someone who was important to him; someone who held great meaning in his life. And he felt a sharp pain in his heart. His mother stroked his cheek one last time, before she leant forward to whisper into his ear. "Go. We will always wait for you, Pavlusha." Then she took his father's hand and walked away.

Jim was still there, the hand warm but without any real weight on his shoulder and there was a glimpse of sadness in his eyes.

_Pasha._

Pavel closed his eyes as something pulled at his conscious, tearing him away from the peace and calmness and into a more crowded, loud place.

 _Tell him, I am happy. Tell him I 'm waiting._ Jim's voice echoed in his head, as he too, vanished, together with the rest of this strange world.

"I don't think he's breathing. Oh god, Pasha. Pasha! Come on you can't do this to me, kiddo!"

And suddenly he was surrounded by warmth, his whole body tingling with the sensation of being alive. A spray of seawater hit his face, the drops running over his sensitive skin. His lungs were suddenly filled with air and he began to choke violently. The pain rushing through his body felt like a relief.

"You are crushing me, Lyonya. I can not breaze." He managed to utter but his hands flew up to the other man's chest, grabbing the shirt in an effort to reassure him that he was really there.

The embrace around him was immediately loosened but Leonard didn't let go. Instead he pulled him onto his lap, holding him close and Pavel was sure he heard a strangled sob escape the other man's lip, as he began peppering his hair and forehead with soft kisses.

"I thought I'd lost you..." he heard the voice whisper in his ear and all he could do was press himself closer to that broad chest, dreading the suits for taking up so much space between them. He had no words to describe what he felt, his body and mind overflowing with love but he knew Leonard felt the same. There was a little nudge at his mind, like the establishing of the drift, only a hundred times more intimate, natural and his conscious was flooded with a passion that didn't belong to him.

Neither the doctor, nor the young Russian ranger heard the helicopters approaching or the cheering of the people in the Shatterdome. They had their foreheads pressed together, not kissing but merely sharing breaths.

And for the first time in his life, Pavel felt truly, thoroughly whole.

* * *

"I still can not beliewe zey made zis a holiday."

"They got all right to do so, happens not every day that someone saves the world from monsters, kiddo."

"Still..."

Pavel looked up at the four statues. They were made of black marble, golden letters telling everyone that these were the fallen heroes of the war against the Kaiju, those who gave their life to save humankind. It still felt unreal. Sometimes he even felt the urge to return to the Shatterdome to search the empty hallways for his friends and he could feel their presence there.

There were flowers scattered all around but nobody had ever dared to touch the statues themselves.

He climbed the memorial and put a crown of colourful flowers on Nyota's head, pressing a kiss to her cold cheek.

"I miss you. We all miss you."

* * *

"Will you, Leonard Horatio McCoy, take Pavel Andrejevich Chekov to be your husband, your partner in life and your one true love? Will you cherish his friendship and love and friendship, today, tomorrow and forever? Will you trust and honour him, cry and laugh with him, keep him, in sickness and health. Will you be faithful in good and in bad times, forsaking all others as long as you may live?"

"I will."

"And I ask you, Pavel Chekov Andrejevich, will you take Leonard Horatio McCoy as your husband, your partner in life and your one true love? Will you cherish his friendship and love and friendship, today, tomorrow and forever? Will you trust and honour him, cry and laugh with him, keep him, in sickness and health. Will you be faithful in good and in bad times, forsaking all others as long as you may live?"

"I v- will."

The small silver bands clinked softly, as they joined their hands, interlacing their fingers. The sound seemed to echo through the bond that still linked their minds.

Leonard looked up from their joined hands and into his husband's eyes. He saw tears, sparkling like diamonds and he saw the most genuine and honest smile on Pavel's lips. He was breathtakingly beautiful. Pavel was always beautiful, never failed to catch his eye and his attention but today he was simply stunning. The white dress uniform was in its own way unique, altered to suit the occasion and contrasting his own, dark blue one. His golden locks surrounded his face like a halo and the light of the thousand candles was reflected in his bright eyes. Leonard would never understand what he had done to deserve this wonderful, utterly perfect man to be his but he wouldn't question it.

"With the power given to me from the state; with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of a ring, I pronounce you married. May you faithfully live together in this life and in the age to come have life everlasting."

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for all the mistakes. OTL


End file.
